Today in Headlines - Friday, September 11, 2015

As part of an outrageously felonious rite de passage, 54-year-old Kent resident Nicola Austen purchased approximately a dozen bags of high-grade cocaine to be given out during her own daughter's 18th birthday party.  Authorities were said to be utterly stunned by the incredible lapse in parental judgement.  However, in her defense, Ms. Austen claims she was inspired by the best-selling self-help publication, Hard Narcotics for the Teenage Soul.

The judge eventually sentenced Nicola Austen to 90 days of hard labor.  All reports indicate that the immoral mother will serve out her time driving a hefty pickaxe through the petrified cocaine deposits lodged in Phil Spector's nostrils. 

A Florida woman became enraged with a Palm Beach area Sheriffs Deputy after receiving a costly citations for speeding.  As the officer headed back to his cruiser, the recently ticketed motorist shouted to him angrily, "No wonder you people get shot!"  To which the deputy responded, "Same to you lady, same to you."

During a panel discussion on the further exploration of Mars, renowned entrepreneur Elon Musk raised a startling proposition as to how the human race might successfully terraform the currently inhospitable surface, readying it for future human colonization. Specifically, Musk suggested dropping thermo-nuclear weapons over the red planet's seasonally icy poles.  Musk claimed that successive fusion blasts would release vast amounts of CO2 into the normally arid atmosphere, eventually resulting in a warming of the entire planet. 

Voicing of his bizarre scheme has unfortunately brought Musk plenty of criticism, not to mention mockery; inevitably earning him a hefty ribbing from top-dog funny-man Stephen Colbert, who suggested that Musk may be, in fact, some kind of international super-villain.  The multi-billionaire and private space agency guru spoke out firmly in his defense, proclaiming:

"This plan was thoroughly reviewed and approved by our notorious...ahem, I mean prestigious, board of directors."

A lot of white guys...I'm just sayin'.

National Geographic staff writer and Captain of the White Tower, Boromir, issued additional criticism of the plan, 

so eloquently pointing out:

In sports, Steelers wide receiver Antonio Brown unveiled an outrageous new hairstyle this week, much to the shock of loyal fans and sportscasters alike.  In fact, the peculiar cut may have led to some confusion during a recent ESPN interview, where in which Brown was asked point-blankly, "What exactly is your affiliation with New Jack City drug lord Nino Brown?"