In a land traditionally known for kangaroos and "shrimp on the barbie," Tasmanians are now reportedly trying their hands at the distillation of primo intoxicants, which, incidentally, are being hailed by industry critics as "liquid gold." The elusive Tasmanian brand known as Sullivans Cove has recently captured the prestigious World Whiskey award in London, officially making it the finest booze on earth. Island resident and Bing Crosby caricature, Hugh Tazmania, was recently asked to comment on the success of his humble homeland brand, stating:
"It's great hooch, and I should know...I've spent most of my adult life steeped in mind numbing alcoholism.
My only son has severe ADHD, and my wife looks exactly like I do...aren't I entitled to get a little fucked up?
A veteran police officer was reportedly slashed by a mentally disturbed woman last Saturday on the normally quiet streets of Bagley, a small suburb of Detroit. Around 10:00 A.M., Authorities responded to a distress call describing a strange individual loitering around an upscale residential neighborhood, even occasionally confronting residents and verbally accosting them. When police attempted to place the woman under arrest she quickly became combative, suddenly lunging at an officer in training with a straight razor that had, up until that point, gone unnoticed. The the training officer, one Bob Dobis, suffered a severe laceration to his face, but is expected to make a full recovery. Fellow razor attack victim Marvin Nash, attempted to offer consolatory remarks, but could not be heard over the blasting Super Sounds of the 70's.
A new law proposed by Port Orange Republican, Dorothy Hukill, will hopefully open new avenues for average Americans to access private online information should their loved ones unexpectedly die or become incapacitated. In support of her new bill, Ms. Hukill declared, "When my husband died, I was devastated. There was so much porn on his computer we had to throw it away." Adding, "I support the right of every recently bereaved American to sift through the darkest corners of a loved one's online peccadillos. Whether they be snuff films, hobo fights, or gay stuff and/or trannies."
Commuters traveling between Phillipsburg and Newark got a terrifying surprise Tuesday morning when a tanker carrying approximately 9,000 gallons of fuel suddenly exploded, sending flames shooting roughly 50 feet into the air. The tanker was said to have collided with a slow moving tractor and a maneuvering Audi A4, killing both of those drivers instantly. Eyewitnesses report seeing a robust man pushing his out through the windshield of the tanker just before it exploded. The lone survivor was approached by a group of flabbergasted motorists who quickly offered him assistance. To their surprise, the man began to walk away, stating simply, "I won't be back, this freeway sucks."
Police and fire crews were called to the scene of a violent altercation that took place inside of a First Hill area McDonalds just last Wednesday night. According to eyewitness reports, a man and his "service cat" were asked to leave the establishment after customers began complaining about the animal. When the man refused to leave, a scuffle ensued, during which he drew an 8 oz. can of pepper spray and began dousing nearby patrons, employees and even his feline companion. Police later identified the assailant as middle-aged geek and animal lover, Jon Arbuckle.
Officials in Marseilles are under fire this week after the unveiling of a sweeping new plan to affix brightly-colored information cards to homeless persons squatting throughout the city. Many have already likened the new measure to the use of patches depicting the Star of David, also brightly colored yellow, that were issued to Jews throughout Central Europe in the early 1930's. The card establishes identity and displays all recorded medical information, which Christope Loise, President of the Homeless Charity Collectif, insists "breaches all basic concepts of medical confidentiality." A state official in Paris, critical of the new program, addressed his Marseilles counterparts, stating "Hey, the Nazis called, they want their ominous warning signs back."
In space news, yet another illuminating discovery has been made by NASA's intrepid Curiosity Rover as it makes its way across a seemingly barren Martian landscape. Newly obtained images decoded by scientists in Houston indicate strong evidence of ancient waterways throughout the Gale Crater. Some environmental specialists have already issued theories on past weather conditions, stating, "the humidity must have very been high, the temperature relatively balmy...practically requiring a standing body of water, like an ocean." The potential for warm and sunny coastal conditions has prompted many extraterrestrial enthusiasts to suggest the possibility of a Martian spring-break that once raged eons ago.
In space news, yet another illuminating discovery has been made by NASA's intrepid Curiosity Rover as it makes its way across a seemingly barren Martian landscape. Newly obtained images decoded by scientists in Houston indicate strong evidence of ancient waterways throughout the Gale Crater. Some environmental specialists have already issued theories on past weather conditions, stating, "the humidity must have very been high, the temperature relatively balmy...practically requiring a standing body of water, like an ocean." The potential for warm and sunny coastal conditions has prompted many extraterrestrial enthusiasts to suggest the possibility of a Martian spring-break that once raged eons ago.
70-year-old Evangeline Shelland is fighting the power this week after being told she can no longer attend public bingo games held at the local Eagles club in Alamogordo, New Mexico. Local reports indicate the gaming senior was indefinitely banned from all future games after the Eagles' main office received numerous complaints about Shelland driving recklessly through their parking lot. Shelland, of course, denies the allegations and claims the office has no real evidence against her. Earlier this year, the Eagles released a final opinion on the matter, simply stating "we reserve the right to refuse service to anyone, and the decision stands."
Aftab Haider, 56, of Highgate claims that a smooth criminal had placed him under hypnosis before cleaning out the register and his pockets. Mr. Haider was left dazed and befuddled following the event, and police seem to be equally puzzled by the unusually brazen nature of the crime, especially considering the fact that the suspect did not make any attempt to avoid being caught on CCTV camera, as seen below:
Here we see a group of Texas secessionists eagerly launching their new space program.
Black peanut-head actor Cuba Gooding Jr. may get an unexpected boost to his seemingly floundering career, all thanks to television horror writer, Ryan Murphy, best known for his groundbreaking series American Horror Story. In a similarly titled series dubbed American Crime Story, Cuba will portray the much reviled Orenthal James Simpson as he trudges through the very high profile murder trial that rocked the foundations of American justice. Cuba was said to have won over producers with his patent brand of enthusiasm, stating, "this role fits me like a glove."
Greenpeace, the notable group of douche-bag activists that traverse the globe confronting environmental offenders, has done fucked up. That's right, the self-righteous crusaders for woodlands and wetlands have, perhaps inadvertently, caused an international incident by altering the sacred landscape of the national heritage site known as the Nazca lines, located in the vast Nazca desert of Peru. Apparently, in the course of establishing an air-visible display reading Time for Change! The Future is Renewable. Greenpeace." Activists placed thousands of disruptive footprints all over the area, irreversibly altering the eerily smooth topography that serves as an essential backdrop to the mysterious monument. A similar incident played out last year when a separate group put up their own message of social upheaval.
According to newly leaked emails, Sony upper management is planning for a major offensive against larcenous online file sharing. The move coincides with a recent crackdown by Swedish law enforcement on the torrent forum known internationally as The Pirate Bay. Internal communications at Sony indicate a deep disdain for media pirates and the affect their having on box office revenues, one board member lamented, "they're loud, obnoxious, and never pick up their candy wrappers."
According to Facebook founder and CEO Mark Zuckerberg, the problem of "like" farming is growing fast with no signs of stoppage. Companies are apparently all too willing to pay big sums of money to programmers who promise quick "like" acquisition without the trouble of having to actually amass notoriety. Instead popularity is artificially inflated by automated software or Korean people. Facebook sees "like" farming as a major problem, stating that the practice is progressively lessening the value of the icon, and by extension hampers their ability to harvest valuable user data for the NSA and Amazon.
Rumors are swirling around what could be the worlds most talked about couple. Media reports indicate that Kim Kardasian is "begging" her recently wed hubby Kanye West for a little time in the sack. Insiders state that Kanye has been an absentee husband of late due to his immense commitment to his upcoming album, the widely anticipated followup to Yeezus, which sold over a million copies worldwide. Kanye's sudden shift towards celibacy is supposedly tied to a recent change-up in the pop star's innercircle, with the hiring of life-coach and official beer & cheese taster, Al Bundy.
In defense of the CIA's use of torture on detainees, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia has apparently taken a page our of the book of Bauer while addressing a panel of federal judges. In drawing up a particularly ominous picture to justify extreme methods of extracting information in order to save lives, Honorable Scalia had perhaps unwittingly recited the general contents of a pulse pounding episode of the hit Fox program 24. This isn't the first time the lopsided Justice has heaped praise upon the fictional TV character. Back in 2007, during a law conference in Ottawa, Canada, Scalia proclaimed, "Jack Bauer saved Los Angeles! He saved hundreds of thousands of lives!"
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During the weeks following the release of the Grand Jury on the fate of Officer Darren Wilson, the highly controversial Witness No. 40 has generated substantial coverage over her outspoken take on the Michael Brown shooting and all it's socio/politcal implications, with much of her hot air being blown out from behind the veil of anonymity. Such will no longer be the case, information gathered from an unredacted jury transcript has identified 45-year-old Sandra McElroy as the once enigmatic Witness 40. According to the Smoking Gun, McElroy is a divorced mother of five with a history of felony check fraud, brain damage, bi-polar disorder, and was once described as being deserving of "multi-count perjury indictments." Naturally, the "fabulist" Sandra McElroy quickly became a favorite among Fox News commentators like Sean Hannity, who lauded Ms. McElroy as "black " and "not at all full of crap."
More news from the Martian surface this week as the NASA Curiosity rover, affectionately referred to as "rover," has for the first time positively confirmed high density discharges of methane gas emerging from beneath the planet's rocky mantle. The source of the discharge is still unknown, but NASA's scientists are already presenting somewhat viable theories.
The Boston bombing suspect, Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is back in court this week to face all but certain charges of conspiring to use a weapon of mass destruction and destruction of property resulting in death. As many remember, the Boston Marathon of April, 2013, was unexpectedly rocked by a series of explosions caused by improvised devices planted strategically throughout the cheering crowd. After a brief standoff with federal agents, Tsarnaev was arrested and held at the Federal Medical Center at Devens, where he apparently became Buckwheat.
Winner of the Miss Bumbum competition, 22-year-old Ms. Indianara Carvalho claims that she had her virginity surgically restored shortly before an award winning photo-shoot. As a model, Carvalho is not unaccustomed to the occasional nip and/or tuck, and explained it was only a matter of finding a proper specialist, a Dr. Michael Rowe, who has apparently gone on to assist the Republican party in restoring it's "all tore up" credibility prior to the 2016 presidential election.
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