New details have emerged involving the recent uncovering of a small scale spying operation being conducted amidst New York City's bustling financial district. According to FBI insiders, the data procurement scheme was being conducted by an incredibly careless troupe of Russian operatives who, apparently, did far too little to conceal their backstairs activities. The group was said to have been so witless in their routine that the antics were described by investigators as, quote, "laughable."
Seizing upon the ongoing shaming of lying-ass NBC news anchor Brian Williams, inglorious cornbread pundit Glenn Beck declared that Williams' impropriety might have been driven by some internal desire to emulate competing CNN anchorperson, Anderson Cooper. Some quickly called foul on Beck's criticisms, citing his recent obvious attempts to look as much like Drew Carey as possible.
A prominent member of the now defunct Mitt Romney 2016 exploratory committee, quoted on the condition of anonymity, claims that fellow Republican and New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, had advised Romney that in order to run a successful presidential campaign, he would need "private jets and lavish spreads." Christie, who is also considering a slow, chuggy, run for the White House in 2016, has reportedly wasted no time in procuring the necessary "accoutrements".
Reporters and visitors alike were stunned this past weekend when several dozen full-grown manatees swarmed the warm, shallow waters of the Three Sisters Springs in Citrus County, Florida. Local Fish and Game wardens were said to be utterly befuddled, having been caught completely off guard by the sudden arrival of so many large, relatively sedentary mammals. Though, inquiries with city officials would later clear up the matter, showing that an occupancy permit had been issued to the annual Sally Struthers "SallyCon," which was scheduled to take place that very weekend. Get it? They were a bunch of fat women, not manatees at all.
An appalling situation unfolded Monday when Child Protective Services discovered two 9-year-old brothers living alone in a squalid home located just outside rural Hillsborough, New Hampshire. For nearly 120 days, the young boys fed, clothed, and cared for themselves with almost no assistance from the outside world. The news of such blatant neglect came as a shock to many, even prompting fellow abandonment victim and fictional child film character, Kevin MaCallister, to exclaim:
"Oh, shit!"
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