Today in Headlines - Friday the 13th, 2015 Edition

Residents of Tampa, Florida, are officially freaked-the-fuck-out this week over what some are calling a "zombie" kitty that is said to have literally crawled its way out of the grave late last Wednesday night.  The feline in question, affectionately referred to by family as "Bart," was reportedly hit by an automobile, after which the grieving owners naturally decided to bury it.  To the astonishment of many, battered Bart has inexplicably resurfaced and is currently being cared for at the local Humane Society.  Some find the freak occurrence a tad unsettling, particularly one neighbor, a Mr. Jud Crandall, who simply stated "Sometimes...dead is better."

According to a new governmental accountability study, the TSA is intercepting an increasing number of guns at airports all over the country.  Researchers found the majority of armaments that are seized come from avid gun owners who simply forget to remove their firearms.  2014 set a record number for weapons seizures, a 22% increase from 2013.  Approximately 2% of that total owing to one passenger in particular, Frank Castle of New York, who was stopped with an astonishing 221 sidearms, assault rifles and hand-grenades. 

Founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, has issued a dire warning to society about the dangers of developing advanced artificial intelligence systems, especially those with military applications.  The renowned programming wizard believes that AI technology could, if not properly checked, become capable enough to dominate mankind.  One such autonomous robot had this to say:

"You always knew it would come to this."

Transparency advocates with Wikileaks are up in arms this week after making the unsettling discovery that Google, despite giving repeated assurances to the contrary, had turned over troves of private subscriber data to the NSA under a series of secret warrants that were issued in the wake of the damning release of the Iraq and Afghan War Logs.  Addressing the issue, Google adamantly defended its actions, citing an online privacy statement and its little-known "Ex-Girlfriend" clause, which basically permits Google to, quote, "lie straight to your face, and then tell you about it 3-years later."

According to a recent survey published in Psychological Study magazine, researchers with the NYU School of Business have determined that ideological stances can have a tremendous impact on consumer preferences.  During the study, researchers found that especially conservative individuals tend to prefer Budweiser, whereas liberal minded people go for Heineken.  A revelation that prompted social libertarian and proto-hipster, Frank Booth, to exclaim:

"Heineken?  Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

Reports out of the Middle East this week tell of the ruthless beating of a destitute Syrian child by the manager of a Bahraini Burger King location.  Apparently, the boy was caught snacking on some discarded leftovers when he was dragged outside and flogged in the street.  Bahrain is widely known for its brutal oppression of the lower classes, often at the hands of wealthy emirs and monarchs who have simply run amok.