Today in Headlines - Wednesday, October 8, 2014

Jonathan Goldsmith, well-known actor of stage and screen, was commended this week for lending his vastly iconic image as the "most interesting man in the world," to assist the struggling cause for landmine removal in South East Asia.  The often short staffed and cash strapped Mines Advisory Group (or MAG for short) has recently received a much needed outpouring of support thanks to the attention Mr. Goldsmith has drawn to their most benevolent efforts to clear away lingering Vietnam War era explosives buried randomly throughout the region.  Upon receiving a commendation from Democratic Senator Patrick Leahy of Vermont, Goldsmith aptly quipped his familiar catchphrase, saying, "I don't always drink beer..but when I do, I usually end up meandering around in a patch of landmines trying not to get my dick blown off."

Former cross-addicted chemical-dependent, Dean Parave, and his handsome wife Christa, have shocked friends, family, and their congregation by starting a risque online forum tailored specifically for iron-pumping Christians who want to meet, pray, and get it on.  The site is called Fitness Swingers, and this freaky churchgoing couple gives a whole new meaning to "love thy neighbor."  49-year-old Dean claims that his practices are in total accordance with the fundamental values of Christianity and sees no conflict between his extramarital affairs and the way of the Lord.  In fact, according to Dean, "God put people on the Earth to breed and enjoy each other," and what better way to fulfill that purpose than to pump iron and have threesomes.  News of Parave's promiscuous collective has sparked a newfound willingness among the most unlikely of candidates to consider the good word, one such enthusiast declared, "I'm reborn, baby! Yeah!"

The phenomenal social media upstart now commonly known as Ello has perpetuated some big waves in Silicon Valley after it's mysterious online debut earlier this fall.  Founders Paul Budnitz and Todd Berger have touted the new platform as a formidable "Anti-Facebook", claiming they have no intention of betraying user confidence by selling data, much less valuable ad space.  When criticized over what many are calling a non-viable business model, Budnitz simply shrugged and said, "we have no exit strategy."  Consequently, it should come as no surprise that Ello has hired on as it's Director of Strategy and Development, former President of the United States, George W. Bush.

According to a recent article in Mother Jones, the family of lone gunman George Zimmerman is now living in a perpetual state of fear and paranoia.  Desperate to "rebrand" after the tragic killing of 17-year-old Trayvon Martin back in 2012, the Zimmermans have adopted bizarre rituals of cloak and dagger style preparedness, hoping to get an edge on the left-wing, social justice Nazis, who George believes are not just out to kill his reputation.  The Zimmermans have reportedly fashioned several "go bags" which are stashed strategically throughout their residence, as well as developed a series of "lock down" rule-sets, including:  No mail, no visitors, no conversing with neighbors, no prolonged telephone calls, no discussing whereabouts over text or email, and keep a weapon close by at all times.  Additionally, a secret color-coded warning system was devised to prepare for Waco-like contingencies.  Apparently, Blue indicates law enforcement is at the door, Red means draw your weapons, Black (ironically) signals to come out shooting, and Brown stands for "omg, this is a police standoff and I've just crapped my pants."

Steven Miles, a 17-year-old boy from Surrey, England, has savagely murdered and dismembered his once adoring, devoted girlfriend.  Evidently, young Miles committed the brutal act in an attempt to mimic the serial killer tendencies of a widely popular cable television personality known simply as Dexter.  The killer is said to have taken great precautions to conceal his horrible deeds, but was ultimately found out by another young local boy who was apparently emulating the much lauded character Rustin Cohle, featured in Showtime's wonderfully successful crime drama, True Detective.  The killer was then tried in a courtroom largely inspired by T.V.'s Law and Order, and will be sent to a correctional center based on the popular cable show Oz.

Surrey police are now investigating a similar series of murders styled in the manner of HBO's Game of Thrones.  The killer is reportedly knocking off seemingly essential members of the community at totally random times, much to the shock of spectators.

In other crime news, law enforcement officials in Colorado say they have indicted close to two dozen individuals connected with a Denver area drug ring purportedly dealing methamphetamine out of run-of-the-mill lunch trucks.  According to State Attorney John Suthers, "customers could literally walk up to a food truck and order a side of meth with their taco."  Combo menu items included:

#1  The Mushroom Burger w/ Peyote Fries and a Large Cocaine

#5 The Baked Potato (Psst! You put your weed in there, man)

and #8 The Charlie Sheen Special  - Two churro's coated with angle dust.

Human squeaky toy Miley Cyrus is in hot water this week after incurring the wrath of what looks like the entire Mexican National Government.  According to eyewitness reports, Cyrus provocatively rubbed the country's mighty standard across her perky derriere whilst twerking for a drunken rabble of .  The sweaty, jean-clad audience quickly turned against her, hurling insults and live chickens.  Local news reports indicate Miley was viciously pelted with chiclets upon exiting the amphitheater.  The incident harkens back to earlier scandals of the like, such as the time Madonna used the Puerto Rican flag to floss her crack, or when Marilyn Manson abused Old Glory as a tour bus cum rag.  Then there was the horrendous fallout caused by lame actor-comedian Richard Lewis who once blew his nose with the flag of Guam.  While sporadically touching his forehead, Richard Lewis dribbled out, "What can I say? It's Guam."