Spanish ad company, Vimeme Viral Media Marketing, recently conducted what they consider to be a "unique sociological experiment." The on-camera study, aptly named "Touch Me," consisted of several slightly nervous participants being approached by well known pornstars, who would then ask to be touched anywhere upon their body. Reactions by test-subjects ranged from excited to just plain dumbstruck. While some involved went straight into sexually-charged groping, others simply collapsed into a pile of helpless giggles. The experiment proceeded as expected until one middle-aged participant stormed the studio, yelling "honk honk...honk honk," while making obscene squeezing gestures with his hands. The unruly individual was later identified as infamous Chicago-land-area hooligan, Al Bundy.
During what should have been a normal Sunday service at the Shiloh Missionary Baptist Church, Reverend Juan Demetrius McFarland utterly shocked his congregation with the surprise admission that he had not only developed totally full-blown AIDS, but was actively sleeping with several female members of the congregation. Rev. McFarland stated, quote, "I'm not really a pastor, I'm an alien sent to Earth to kill church members and chew bubble gum. Today, I just ran out of bubble gum." Apparently the unsuspecting flock had no idea that the man they entrusted with their very salvation was, in fact, pilfering collection funds, getting high in the rectory, and regularly sticking his bubble gum under the alter. After hearing the disheartening news many attendees began to pour out of the sanctuary seeking solace in coffee and donuts. One parishioner voiced his sharp displeasure, stating:
The police of St. Louis, Missouri, are practically under siege tonight, after much raucous was raised over the unlawful shooting of yet another black teen just miles from where Michael Brown was killed last August. The victim this time was young Vonderrit Myers, who witnesses say had just purchased a seemingly harmless sandwich moments before an off-duty police officer gunned him down. Local authorities were quick to shift blame to the fallen, claiming Myers was part of an up-and-coming street gang locally known as the West-Side Subway Ballas.
Elon Musk is at it again, pulling grandiose technological advancements out of his billion dollar hat and effectively wowing American consumers for the second time this season. After posting a string of cryptic tweets last week, Telsa motor company conducted a major unveiling at the Hawthorn Airport late Thursday night, showing off their new "D" model automobile. "D" apparently signifying "dual," an obvious reference to the car's unique double motor technology that conveniently eliminates the need for a front-to-rear driveshaft, thus maximizing interior space. Tesla's new wave vehicles are also being praised by critics and customers alike for their ample dual trunk space. One driver, known simply as "Tommy" stated and I quote, "Yeah, well, when we had to dispose of...uh, I mean drop off our friend, Frankie Carbone, we definitely had plenty of room...for his body."
Recently wed actor/activist
George Clooney made a dramatic appearance at this year's epic Comic Con
UK, unexpectedly dropping in for a panel discussion covering all things
Batman. As some might remember, in 1997 Mr. Clooney begrudgingly took
the lead part in a famously underpowered frachise-killer entitled
"Batman and Robin." It was rumored that as a result of the horrendously unworthy
adaptation, Clooney had been totally dis-invited from Comic Con ever since.
Apparently, in an attempt to redeem himself, Clooney formally apologized
to the original Batman, Adam West, stating, "please, just hit
me." West happily reciprocated with a simple fist-bump, but only
shortly before well-known vampire player Alexander Skarsgard (True
Blood's Eric Northman) landed a shiv squarely in Clooney's abdomen,
muttering, "that was for Dusk Till Dawn."
Last week, Delaware State
Troopers responded to a frantic 9-1-1 call placed by a local suburban
daycare center after staff discovered a backpack containing nearly 250
packets of ready-for-market heroin. A 4-year-old student by the name of
Alicia Tull was apparently passing out the drugs as candy when one
teacher noticed the wrappings were all distinctly labeled "slam." The
little girl's mother, 30-year-old Ashley Tull, could not locate the
child's regular book-bag, so she absentmindedly replaced it with the
dope-bag instead. In addition to allegations of drug trafficking, Ms.
Tull is also facing charges over possession of outdated drug slang.
Seriously? Slam? Is this 1981 and we're hanging out in John Belushi's
studio apartment? Come on, people.
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