Television dancing favorite and political wack-job heiress Bristol Palin has unexpectedly terminated her plans to wed renowned serviceman Dakota Meyer. Meyer, who is a Medal of Honor recipient, expressed dismay and surprise over the announcement, taking to social media, tweeting:
"It all happened so fast. This morning I got up and she had completely cut off my nuptials."
Since the press release, Bristol has been virtually inundated with requests to elaborate on her comments. With rumor and innuendo having surrounded the couple for months as it is, many sources close to the Palins have attempted to fill the informational void with sporadic disclosures. According to those insider reports, Bristol had uncovered a ghastly secret that she and her hubby-to-be simply could not reconcile -the fact that Dakota is, quite literally, made entirely of Silly Puddy.
With the NBA quarter finals now underway, Clippers' head coach Doc Rivers is under increased pressure to deliver an historic change-up for a franchise which victory has mockingly eluded for so long. Over the past 45 years the Clippers have routinely failed to penetrate beyond the second-round playoffs but, with cautious optimism, many fans and sports journalists alike have ventured to suggest that this may be at long last the season of change. While obviously confident, Rivers has been careful not to indulge, stating, 'I don't think we need to blow this thing up."
To which the Joker responded: "I wholeheartedly agree."
City officials in San Francisco say they have been forced to take serious legal action against a popular Haight-Ashbury area McDonald's restaurant after receiving literally hundreds of complaints involving the establishment since its opening just 6 months ago. Many of the complaints allege that dirty, smelly hippies use the grounds as a location to "kick it" and "smoke bud." Additionally, arrests in the area show a much higher rate for possession of drugs like LSD, ecstasy and marijuana. Some critics have even gone so far as to blame the actual McDonald's menu for attracting the drug-addled crowd, in particular the recent addition of a Deluxe McShroom Burger.
Film and tech enthusiasts were a-buzz yesterday upon the release of new on-set photos depicting stage and screen actor Michael Fassbender in his most recent role as celebrated inventor and developer Steve Jobs. Jobs, whose prestigious career with Apple Inc., jettisoned him into nerdist super-stardom as, perhaps, one of the greatest minds of the past 100 years, tragically died in 2011 of complications resulting from resurgent pancreatic cancer. He was 56 years old. The much anticipated production entitled "Steve Jobs", features a smartly dressed Fassbender sporting the patent Steve Jobs turtleneck, a look which prompted many in the fashion world to speculate a possible rise in appealability for the constrictive garment. Media reports indicate that aging actress Diane Keaton was particularly titillated by this news and had immediately dispatched her operatives to clean out all available stocks along the eastern seaboard.
72-year old Louisville resident Fred Habermel is reportedly suing local treatment facility Norton Medical amid claims that lab technicians lost a section of his brain. Mr. Habermel recently underwent an experimental procedure during which neurosurgeons removed a portion of grey matter that was ultimately intended to be injected back into its proper place within his cranium. Hospital administrators revealed today that their own internal investigation has uncovered significant signs of theft, prompting them to wonder aloud: "What would anyone possibly want with two brains?"
No comments:
Post a Comment