The exhaustive search for missing Minnesota sorority sister Jennifer Houle has come to a tragic end this week after authorities discovered local surveillance footage that appeared to show the strange final moments of her life. Investigators have concluded that Ms. Houle inexplicably leapt from the 10th Avenue bridge in downtown Minneapolis, taking a fatal plunge toward the torrential Mississippi River below. Many, including Jennifer's parents, are still without a clear understanding as to why the incident even took place but, reportedly, all her friends were doing it.
Alabama school teacher Cindy Stephens has been suspended from school following her online commentary relating to the recent conviction of four area students who, as part of an elaborate senior prank, slurried an entire school parking lot with granulated chicken excrement. Instructor Stephens took especial offense to the stunt, claiming she suffered a life-threatening allergy attack as a result. On her Facebook page, Stephens posted a vulgar screed, indicating her wish for the boys to suffer sexual battery while incarcerated, stating: "My sincerest hope is that you become someone's bitch in jail." Immediate reactions from students and administrators came out strongly against the post, with one reply stating: "My sincerest hope is that you work yourself into an early grave, receiving little pay and zero recognition."
Travel agents are finding themselves hard-pressed to fill reservations for a certain chain of islands just recently made available to the tropical tourism industry. As it turns out, many would-be travelers are especially weary of places that have, at one time or another, been home to filthy, decrepit lepers. That's right, former leper islands are slowly being declared habitable and subsequently feeding much needed space into an increasingly strangulated market. The lepers were reportedly all to happy to sell off their land, only asking in return that they receive plenty of leprosy tainted money and imported whores. Leper whores, of course.
Josh Duggar, the confidence-driven older brother from TLC's 19 Kids and Counting, issued a formal public apology after being exposed as a vile pedophile freak who is believed to have abused several young girls over a ten year period, some of the girls among his own siblings. The devastating fallout from the scandal has cost the Duggar family their contract with TLC and has also resulted in Josh's removal from a prestigious position with the Family Research Council. Luckily, for young Duggar, there is little indication that criminal charges will be filed against him now or at any time in the future. Additionally, a local county judge has gone so far as to order that all investigative files be destroyed immediately. Those most critical of how authorities have handled the Duggar family affair were left asking whether the American justice system is even moderately capable of prosecuting those of celebrity status.
Many young twitter users the world over have recently taken part in what is being called the "Charlie Charlie Challenge." Like Bloody Mary and the Candy Man before him, Charlie is supposed to be a Mexican demon who, when properly summoned, can give alarmingly accurate responses to most "yes or no" questions. In addition to rattling the entire global religious community, many other darkly beings have found their natural order disturbed by "Charlie's" sudden rise to fame.
"So, what? Am I just not relevant anymore? Is that it? I killed a fucking unicorn, dammit."
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