The 2015 World Taxidermy Championship is currently underway in Springfield, Missouri, this week. The event draws thousands of professional taxidermists from over 22 nations, all of them looking to compete for the much coveted title of Grand Champion. Attendees were quick to notice that many of this year's entries went well above and beyond the usual mounting and positioning common to the trade. This year, a new emphasis on action and movement has taken hold and the results are nothing short of spectacular. Two award winning skin-stuffers, Fred and Gerald Perkins, received considerable acclaim for their realistic depiction of an African lion ferociously attacking a warthog. The pair come hot off the heels of a lucrative job servicing a considerably high profile clientele. The Perkins brothers were reportedly paid an exorbitant fee for their efforts to bring some kind of life into the Botox saturated face of reality T.V. matriarch, Kris Jenner.
Actor/Director Shia LaBeouf recently addressed an enthusiastic assembly of New Jersey area highschoolers, lending his life's culmination of experience and knowledge to the next generation of America's best and brightest. In an honest effort to pass on his own personal recipe for success, Mr. LaBeouf spent the greater part of an hour instructing the youngsters on vital techniques involving:
(a) Public intoxication.
(b) Disorderly conduct.
(c) Stoking media coverage every time you change your hair-style.
For several years the European Incoherent Scatter Scientific Association (or "EISCAT") located in Tromso, Norway, has been transmitting peaceful greetings from the human race into various parts of the galaxy; particularly those believed to harbor planetary systems similar to our Earth. In June of 2008, the Association was paid an exorbitant amount of money to send a specific message into the heart of the Ursa Major constellation. The stunt was apparently part of an ongoing promotion conducted by tortilla chip maker Doritos. This week, EISCAT technicians finally received their long awaited reply. Aliens from a small system within Ursa Major have identified their home world as "Planet Extreme" and described the wormhole they traveled through as, quote, "totally tubular."
A five member advisory panel with the FDA has announced its endorsement of an experimental new drug designed to increase the female sex drive. The substance, currently known as Flibanserin, has been described by experts as the "Viagra for women," and has already found substantial interest throughout the very lucrative pharmaceuticals industry. Since the drug is still going through its preliminary approval process, little is known about its expected social impact. As the news broke, reactions on Capitol Hill were said to be mixed:
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