A disgruntled white-trash motorist was arrested last Thursday night after confessing to his involvement in a deadly hit and run accident that claimed the life of one Toussaint Harrison, a 32-year-old resident of Sacramento, California. The driver, who was clearly drunk at the scene, made no apologies for running down Mr. Harrison, and apparently had the audacity to place blame the tragedy on sitting President, Barack Hussein Obama, who he claims gives black Americans an undue feeling of exceptionalism and empowerment. The murderous motorist has been formally charged with vehicular manslaughter and could face a term of life in prison. When asked for comment on his current disposition, the accused belligerently responded with: "That's fuckin' gay!"
Earlier this week, in Malheur County, Ontario, a group of city landscape workers made the perplexing discovery of over 89 cats, all widely varying in age and size, living in a broken down Ford E350 Van parked along the Madawaska river. Humane authorities have removed the animals and the city has taken possession of the dilapidated vehicular living space. According to city records, the van is registered to 34-year-old Matt Foley, a discredited motivational speaker with a history of vagrancy and public drunkenness.
During a particularly embarrassing visit to the emergency room at Brampton Civil hospital in the fall of 2012, Walter Fish underwent an invasive rectal exam after complaining about severe gastrointestinal problems. Unbeknownst to Mr. Fish, two of the attending individuals, whom he had believed to be doctors, were actually professional actors working for the CTV medical drama Saving Hope. Walter, who has just recently brought a lawsuit against Brampton Civic Hospital, claims he was subjected to what amounts to assault and battery, as well as a serious breach of privacy. The incident is similar to one that occurred in 2011 involving renowned T.V. doctor Gregory House, who began randomly poking at patients with his cane while subjecting them to his usual brand of dry, black humor and rapier like wit.
A man working at a construction site in downtown Phoenix was found mildly injured and dehydrated after spending approximately 36 hours trapped inside of a newly furbished wall. The middle aged construction worker stated that he had walled himself up in his usual manner with the intention of later breaking out to kill unsuspecting teenagers but, for whatever reason, he was unable to free himself and was subsequently forced to rely on emergency services to extract him. His employer, Satan, could not be reached for comment, but was said to be somewhat embarrassed by the apparent shortcomings of his minion.
A man working at a construction site in downtown Phoenix was found mildly injured and dehydrated after spending approximately 36 hours trapped inside of a newly furbished wall. The middle aged construction worker stated that he had walled himself up in his usual manner with the intention of later breaking out to kill unsuspecting teenagers but, for whatever reason, he was unable to free himself and was subsequently forced to rely on emergency services to extract him. His employer, Satan, could not be reached for comment, but was said to be somewhat embarrassed by the apparent shortcomings of his minion.
Members of the Edinburgh Council on Drug Prevention and Teen Outreach have caused a considerable uproar after unveiling a new "snapfacts" pamphlet due to be released to area schools sometime early next year. The taxpayer funded publication is filled with what organizers call "accurate, non-judgmental" information aimed at educating potential users (ages 13 - 24) on not only the potential dangers of casual and habitual substance abuse, but also clever ways to "safely" pursue drug experimentation. Specifically, the informational states that MDMA users should at first try only half a pill in order to lessen the risk of potential overdose. It also suggests that cocaine users regularly wash their nose after each use. Agnes Morrison of the Maxie Richards Foundation, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping young teens avoid the pitfalls of drug addiction and it's ghastly side-effects, states "I've never come across anything like this."
Residents of the Shinagawa district in Tokyo found themselves scratching their collective heads this week after 49 manhole covers were suddenly blown several feet into the air during mid-morning traffic. The mind-boggling event took place in the downtown region of the city, no damages were reported, though many were left shocked and confused. Flabbergasted city officials are pressing engineers to determine the exact cause of the mysterious happening, which they say has had a chilling effect on local business. A persistent theory centers on the recent visitation of black gay porn actor and sex tourist Melvin White, who reportedly loves blowing manholes wide open.Animals rights groups are up in arms this week after ranchers in rural Ireland callously decided to slaughter a bull that they say had habitually mounted other bulls in an effort to have sex with them. The supposed gay bull was scheduled to be terminated later this week, but according to recent reports, plans are now in place to transport the wayward bovine to a sanctuary noted for it's specific catering to the LGBT animal community.
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