Today in Headlines - Wednesday, October 22, 2014

32-year-old Dover resident Andrew Walls unintentionally found his way into the "weird news" pile at the Huffington Post this week after bringing a lawsuit against his former surgeon/co-worker for unspecified damages over what he calls an "outrageous" prank that went horribly awry.  According to court documents, the incident occurred during a routine colonoscopy as the patient lay sedated under anesthesia.  Walls later woke to find that the medical staff had jokingly fashioned a pair of pink ladies undergarments neatly upon his person.  He now claims the unorthodox treatment resulted in long-term emotional distress and ultimately cost him his job.  Fortunately, Andy was able to find part-time work as Bubbles the Pink Drag Queen from Hell.

In the central Ohio city of Sparta this week, a heavily pimpled 22-year-old by the name of Owen Reese, inexplicably decided to answer his front door while brandishing an authentic broadsword, which he menacingly held above his head in an apparent show of crazy/stupid.  Young Reese, a renowned mall-rat and D & D gamesmaster, belligerently shouted obscenities towards a group of innocent cub scouts who had come to sell him popcorn on behalf of their local troop.  Apparently caramel corn was too much for the mighty Mr. Reese, who, according to eye witnesses, advanced toward the boys threateningly, quickly prompting nearby parents to intervene.  Eventually, local authorities were called to the scene and, upon confronting Reese (who amazingly was not shot to death as he answered his door for a second time wielding the deadly weapon), ordered the young man to relinquish the saber, and then proceeded to handcuff him for booking.  When asked why he had exhibited such forcefulness in the coarse of greeting visitors, Reese stated: 

"Well, this is Sparta." 

And now for our lead story.  President Obama has recently called for a more aggressive response to the mounting Ebola crisis, stating that he has instructed top CDC officials to create a pack of "Ebola SWAT Teams" in an effort to improve response times and the overall effectiveness of containment.  The action comes in the wake of yet another healthcare worker, this one by the name of Amber Joy Vinson, being formally diagnosed with the deadly infectious disease.   

The initiative is expected by many on Capital Hill to quickly produce superior results.  This sentiment is largely due to the persistent belief in Washington that all perceived threats of an African origin should be responded to with naked aggression and unbridled militarism.

Further, CDC officials issued somewhat apologetic statements today.  Admitting for the first time that serious mistakes had been made during it's initial response to the viral outbreak, conceding they should have started the nonsensical politicization process much, much sooner.

Joyce Newhart, a decidedly notable contestant on the much loved American game show "The Family Feud," may have taken things in a painful direction when she speculated the most popular answer to a recently polled question, which read, "If you could change one part of your husband's body, what would it be?"  Joyce immediately looked to her own partner, Darren, for some possible indication.  Apparently, she went straight for the crotch.  But unfortunately, "his penis" was not among the top five responses, and the question was duly passed on to the opposing team.  Contemporary "Feud" host Steve Harvey stood seemingly perplexed, often hearing in his own case, "those freakishly huge teeth."

Northeastern communities are bracing for another harsh winter this year as news of another debilitating "polar vortex" looms forebodingly on the meteorological horizon.  For those who remember last year's record low temperatures which resulted in freakish weather patterns and prompted the release of several Youtube videos cleverly displaying water being frozen mid-slosh.  This year, especially heavy hits are expected to land on New York and Philadelphia as early as late November.

Meanwhile, residents in the west coast entertainment epicenter, Hollywood, Ca., begrudgingly hunker down for the stupefying onslaught of yet another wack production from the Syfy original movie franchise, Sharknado.

Self-purported cryptozoologist Quinton Winter, adamantly claims to have witnessed the emergence a gargantuan (You know, I've always liked that word... "gargantuan"... I so rarely have an opportunity to use it in a sentence.) crab-like creature, that he says is currently lurking in the waters off of Kent Harbor, a small coastal city located in the UK isles.  Mr. Winter and his son were reportedly fishing during their annual vacation when they both noticed what's been described as "two glazed blank eyes on stalks, swiveling wildly."  Quinton speculates that the strange beast was in fact a massive crab, which has since been dubbed across the crypto-sphere as "Crabzilla."  Unfortunately, the rumor was inevitably quashed as evidenced surfaced showing that the crab-like monstrosity was, after all, known actress of stage and screen, Jackie Weaver.

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