Today in Headlines - Friday, August 22, 2014

Cosmonauts on the International Space Station were stunned this week after discovering deposits of sea plankton gathering on the windows (or "illuminators") of their celestial domicile.  Russian scientist Vladimir Solvyev theorized that the creatures may have been blown up to the Station by powerful wind gusts reaching astounding heights of over 420 kilometers.  During their early developmental stage sea plankton are known to rest on the surface of the ocean, placing them in an ideal spot to be carried away by raucous winds.  Those aboard the research facility we stunned to see that the plankton could survive for up to two years in the harsh conditions of space.  One specimen, known simply as "Plankton," had even attempted to commandeer the vessel.  Stating that he must utilize the on-board laboratory to correctly synthesize the elusive crabby patty secret formula.   

Former star of CBS's "Two and a Half Men," Charlie Sheen, is now one of many Hollywood celebrities to undertake the ever-daunting ASL Ice Bucket Challenge.  The heavily drug-addled actor appeared via webcam this week in an obligatory show of support for the fast growing awareness movement that has become in recent weeks a social media phenomenon.  To the surprise of many, Sheen, upon dousing himself with the cold, icy liquid, became completely sober and remarkably well mannered.  Apparently his mental state was immediately re-calibrated by the frigid splash, and now, feeling born anew, plans to return to serious acting work as soon as possible. 

The Port of Los Angeles is getting a rare treat this week as Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman unveils his prized contribution to the much anticipated 30th annual Tall Ships Festival at Dana Point.  The massive 61 feet high, 110 feet long rubber duck is reportedly the largest of it's kind and has sailed the world over to places like Hong Kong, Soa Paulo, and New Zealand.  Spectators can come down to the docks to marvel at the ridiculous inflatable structure from now until Sunday.  Though, some Angelenos were utterly panic stricken when a monstrous Ernie came wading into shore looking for his beloved bath-time companion.  

A Reddit user posting under the handle "Penisindoor" has apparently taken to the internet to spread his proposed expertise in the world of sexual pleasure.  According to his own account, "Penisindoor" lost a substantial part of his genitalia when as a young boy he had been teasing his friends by poking his still intact member through the narrow opening of a doorway, only to have one of his companions slam the door shut, severing the shaft, but leaving the testicles unharmed.  Doctors were able to reroute "Penisindoor's" urethra and, well, there it is.  According to the self proclaimed doctor of pleasure, any loving couple can be intimate, regardless of whatever physical handicaps one may have.  Tip No. 1, grow a fucking penis.

And finally, it was revealed on Buzzfeed today that recently deceased actor-comedian Robin Williams has been speedily reincarnated as a 22-month old baby boy.  The actor quickly resumed his most notable role as Ms. Doubtfire and a PG-rated sequel is reportedly in development.