Today in Headlines - Friday, August 29, 2014

To the shock of millions of Hello Kitty fans the world over, it was revealed this week that the roughly 40-year-old Japanese icon is in fact a human girl, and not a cat as previously thought.  As it turns out Hello Kitty suffers from a rare combination of skin bleaching vitiligo and severe malformation due to advanced elephantiasis, much like her cartoon predecessor Betty Boop.  Other animated figures have been known to endure similar physical ailments, such as Pop-Eye the Sailor Man with his famous forearm tumors, or take for example the much loved character Charlie Brown, whose giant lumpy head was actually puss filled time-bomb, festering with diseased rotting flesh.

In related news, 39-year-old Dan Maurer from Michigan is said to be nervously readying himself for a "testy" surgical procedure that, if successful, will finally remove a ghastly 100-pound growth from inside his tortured scrotum.  Maurer says he is relieved that he may at long last get a chance to lead a normal, non-giant-ball-sack lifestyle, hoping it will bring some regularity to his much hindered love life.  When asked what the doctors plan to do with the extracted mass of tissue, one physician informed us that the bio-waste would in all likelihood be used to constitute additional Kardashians, with a small portion being set aside for Geraldo Rivera's routine cheek implants.

Citing recent events in Iraq and Syria, intelligence analysts with Britain's GCHQ have issued a new assessment of terror plots potentially targeting the tiny island nation.  It is believed that sleeper agents working with the Islamic State militant group ISIS may try to orchestrate fiendish attacks on innocent Britons sometime in the immediate future.  As a result, the national terror alert level for the United Kingdom was raised this week, taking it from "spot of bother" to "oh bloody hell."

Apparently cyclists are taking increasing bold steps to safegaurd their middle school appropriate method of transportation.  From removing pedals and wheels, to purchasing a bendable frame which literally wraps around most city signposts.  Even one rider went so far as to affix a rubber dildo onto the bike frame in place of a traditional seat.  The velocipede was immediately picked up by CNN news anchor Anderson Cooper, who proceeded to joyfully cruise through the busy streets of downtown New York, head cocked, body rigid, and obviously feeling quite secure upon his pedal powered conveyance.

In a related story a couple shopping at a local Walmart was arrested for trying to pilfer sex toys during an early morning shopping trip last Thursday in Warrensville, Florida.  The young couple had attempted to smuggle their phallic cargo through the self-checkout lane, but were foiled by observant clerks who noticed an unsightly bulge in one customer's handbag.  Upon being confronted by police, the couple admitted to stealing a single jelly-rubber dildo from the well stocked superstore.  Onlookers were perplexed as to why they didn't just go for the more plentiful multi-pack available in sets of 12 to 24.

Longtime television personality Joan Rivers was taken into intensive care following a problematic surgery performed last Thursday.  Initial reports indicate that Rivers had stopped breathing during the procedure and subsequently suffered a mild cardiac arrest during her unconscious state.  Rivers' condition was described as critical, even prompting doctors to apply a medical induced coma in order to ease her much needed recovery.  Fortunately for reporters, several artificial portions of the style guru's supplemented anatomy were very much alive and willing to field questions from the entertainment media at large.

Owners of a Manhattan area Taco Bell restaurant are in a heap of legal trouble this week after a vigilant cashier helped local police uncover a ridiculous plot to pass on counterfeit $20 bills to unwitting customers.  The attentive employee known only as "J.A." grew suspicious after supervisors attempted to convince him that the Taco Bell at which he worked was deeply involved in an ongoing undercover sting operation. Not believing the ridiculous story, J.A. sought the help of local investigators who quickly shut the scammers down.  In addition to being charged over the distribution of fake bills, the Taco Bell franchisees will also be brought up on charges for apparently passing on counterfeit beef.  

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Police in Arlington, Virginia, responded to a domestic violence call late Wednesday night at the home of Ruben Maye Nsue Mangue -that's right, the Ruben Maye Nsue Mangue.  Upon arriving at the residence police discovered Mangue's daughter had suffered a "significant" laceration to the head after being severely beaten with a wooden chair leg.  Unfortunately, Mangue will not face any charges due to the protections he receives as a foreign diplomat.  Mangue hails from the state of Equatorial Guinea, a little shit-kicker principality that apparently exports abusive assholes.  Under the threat of deportation, Mangue will be required to attend anger management classes specifically tailored for unruly envoys. The rancorous group features attendees such as Devyani Khobragade, who earlier this year was suspected of abusing her domestic servants, also Sergeant Major Jairo Soto-Mendoza who in 2003 was accused of brutally murdering a homeless man, and then there is of course Arjen Rudd, the bad guy from Lethal Weapon II, who attempted to smuggle $10 Million in Krugerrands out of the country and terrorized the Los Angeles police force for the latter part of the movie.

Egyptian feminist and social revolutionary Aliaa Magda Elmahdy has taken to Facebook once again to air her latest grievance toward hard-line Islam, which she considers to be a belief system structured around "violence, racism, sexism, sexual harassment and hypocrisy."  The brazen display of protest came in the form of Elmahdy and friend menstruating, as well as defecating on what is reportedly a flag showing the sigil of ISIS and bearing the words, "there is no god but Allah." Ripples of disapproval resounded throughout the Arab world in the aftermath of what is considered to be a forbidden statement, but there was also plenty of support, particularly in the West.  Well known television personality Triumph the Insult Comic Dog was quick to voice his backing of the daring duo, stating, "This is right up my alley...my dark, dingy, smelly alley." 

A progressive initiative put forth by Mayor Charlie Hales of Portland Oregon is offering a tremendous lift to the spirits of many within the rainy city's desperate homeless population.  A "Tiny Homes Communities" project, organized by the Mayor's Director of Strategic Initiatives, Josh Alpert, promises the speedy construction of dozens of 192-square-foot domiciles, each costing somewhere between $250 to $350 in rent per month.  Nonprofit organization Micro Community Concepts teamed up with board game designer Parker Brothers to usher in a new era of micro-housing affordability.   

Shirley Sotloff, the mother of journalist Steven Sotloff, who in 2013 was captured by Islamic State militants, made an impassioned plea on Wednesday, asking that her son's ruthless captors spare his life and release him unharmed.  The plea came after Sotloff appeared in a gut wrenching video displaying the vile beheading of fellow journalist James Foley. Since that time many have weighed the consequences of U.S. occupation in Iraq, which ISIS claims is the direct cause of their relentless brutality.  In her statement, Ms. Sotloff attempted to separate her son's disposition from the actions taken by the U.S. Government and it's military, claiming he is merely an innocent man swept up in an unfair war.  In direct response to this, mothers of hundreds of Guantanamo detainees came together to perform in a sarcastic symphony of tiny violins.    

A new report by the Natural Resources Defense Council claims that $3.8 billion in electricity costs are unnecessarily consumed by zero capacity "Zombie" servers, wasting about 39 billion kilowatt-hours every year.  Many blame poor management of data centers and lack of efficiency in upkeep as the main antagonists.  Luckily, fearless computer tech Rick Grimes has been called in to take care of the problem.

This week in foreign affairs, German Chancellor Angela Merkel placed an impromptu phone call to Russian President Vladimir Putin to address the recent incursion of Russian troops into the tumultuous Ukrainian territories.  The EU has been seen as a fiendish instigator, occasionally scoffing at the protests of their Russian neighbors who claim the West has orchestrated much of the recent unrest.  Merkel was said to have called in two new cabinet members to act in an advisory capacity over the pivotal phone call.  Das Jerky Boys.

Today in Headlines - Monday, August 25, 2014

While many head to France for the fine cuisine, and others go to places like Bangkok for the cheap abundant sex, apparently some head to the mountainous countryside of Switzerland for the sweet release of death.  Yes, it's suicide tourism, and it has apparently become big business in the land of chocolate bars and lederhosen.  According to a recent study published in Law, Ethics and Medicine Journal, as many as 600 individuals, ranging between ages 23 to 97, crossed into the Northern mountainous region to take advantage it's legal ambiguity on assisted suicide.  The method of choice for many seeking the final exit is a lethal cocktail of sodium pentobarbital, though an increasing majority have opted for a more signature Swiss conveyance, giving a whole new meaning to the phrase, "death by chocolate."

A small fruit company in China has added a new creepy touch to their line of delectable produce.  "Baby Pears" are quickly becoming a much sought after novelty item after appearing in several media outlets as the latest in a long line of oddly molded fruits and vegetables.  The aptly named producer, Fruit Mould, has sold a remarkable number of items including square shaped apples, heart shaped watermelons, even peaches donning underwear.  But some, find the twist on creation to be a bit unnerving, especially when the company unveiled it's newest crop which included Dolly Parton melons, and Jamie Farr bananas.  





  

Thousands of Yazidis women across Iraq are pleading for international assistance as they are being forced in droves to marry scruffy nerf herding militants belonging to the international fighting force known as ISIS.  The brutish reality of life under extreme Islamic laws has caused many to make desperate attempts to flee their psychotic male captors, though some, literally beaten into submission, have expressed an unfortunate willingness to acquiesce, stating simply, "well, at least it's not Kanye."











A popular Italian eatery in New Taipei, Taiwan, has caused a massive uproar over the name of one of it's best selling dishes.  A pasta bowl that happens to be generously adorned with German sausage was given the name "Long Live the Nazis" by restaurant manager Chao Ya-hsin, who claims it had never occurred to him that the title might encounter so much opposition.  German and Israeli representatives were quick to pounce on the establishment, known locally as "The Rockmill," and after much public outcry, the name of the dish was eventually changed to "Long Live Purity."  Though some outspoken critics are yet to be appeased, especially after discovering a shockingly ill-conceived pastry on the menu dubbed, "Long Live Kermit Gosnell." 

And finally, President Obama issued a statement officially condemning the gruesome execution of journalist James Foley at the hands of the ISIS, calling the act, quote, "barbaric terrorism."  Obama went on to say that if you are going to target journalists bent on exposing wartime horrors, you should first surveil their emails, plant evidence in their apartment, and then, if all else fails, have the C.I.A. run them off the road by hacking their automobile's on-board computer system, sending them crashing into a fiery death.  See the killing of Michael Hastings.

Today in Headlines - Friday, August 22, 2014

Cosmonauts on the International Space Station were stunned this week after discovering deposits of sea plankton gathering on the windows (or "illuminators") of their celestial domicile.  Russian scientist Vladimir Solvyev theorized that the creatures may have been blown up to the Station by powerful wind gusts reaching astounding heights of over 420 kilometers.  During their early developmental stage sea plankton are known to rest on the surface of the ocean, placing them in an ideal spot to be carried away by raucous winds.  Those aboard the research facility we stunned to see that the plankton could survive for up to two years in the harsh conditions of space.  One specimen, known simply as "Plankton," had even attempted to commandeer the vessel.  Stating that he must utilize the on-board laboratory to correctly synthesize the elusive crabby patty secret formula.   

Former star of CBS's "Two and a Half Men," Charlie Sheen, is now one of many Hollywood celebrities to undertake the ever-daunting ASL Ice Bucket Challenge.  The heavily drug-addled actor appeared via webcam this week in an obligatory show of support for the fast growing awareness movement that has become in recent weeks a social media phenomenon.  To the surprise of many, Sheen, upon dousing himself with the cold, icy liquid, became completely sober and remarkably well mannered.  Apparently his mental state was immediately re-calibrated by the frigid splash, and now, feeling born anew, plans to return to serious acting work as soon as possible. 

The Port of Los Angeles is getting a rare treat this week as Dutch artist Florentijn Hofman unveils his prized contribution to the much anticipated 30th annual Tall Ships Festival at Dana Point.  The massive 61 feet high, 110 feet long rubber duck is reportedly the largest of it's kind and has sailed the world over to places like Hong Kong, Soa Paulo, and New Zealand.  Spectators can come down to the docks to marvel at the ridiculous inflatable structure from now until Sunday.  Though, some Angelenos were utterly panic stricken when a monstrous Ernie came wading into shore looking for his beloved bath-time companion.  

A Reddit user posting under the handle "Penisindoor" has apparently taken to the internet to spread his proposed expertise in the world of sexual pleasure.  According to his own account, "Penisindoor" lost a substantial part of his genitalia when as a young boy he had been teasing his friends by poking his still intact member through the narrow opening of a doorway, only to have one of his companions slam the door shut, severing the shaft, but leaving the testicles unharmed.  Doctors were able to reroute "Penisindoor's" urethra and, well, there it is.  According to the self proclaimed doctor of pleasure, any loving couple can be intimate, regardless of whatever physical handicaps one may have.  Tip No. 1, grow a fucking penis.

And finally, it was revealed on Buzzfeed today that recently deceased actor-comedian Robin Williams has been speedily reincarnated as a 22-month old baby boy.  The actor quickly resumed his most notable role as Ms. Doubtfire and a PG-rated sequel is reportedly in development. 

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Just miles from where 18-year-old Michael Brown was gunned down by police officer Darren Wilson, another young black American has been shot to death in the suburban streets of Ferguson, Missouri.  23-year-old Kajieme Powell was confronted by police after shoplifting a pair of energy drinks from a local convenience store.  The suspect was said to be brandishing a knife and yelling to officers, "shoot me, kill me now."  Officers at the scene were apparently more than willing to oblige.

An amateur video shot by cellphone was quickly released to the general public, stoking further outrage from citizens who say the shocking footage greatly contradicts the official account given by local department officials.  The officer responsible for the shooting, one Jimbo Kern, who was recently transferred from South Park, Colorado, and has known ties to right-wing militias, stated in his defense, quote, "he was coming right for us!"

France has caused some sour notes to flow from the inharmonious pipes of their Northern neighbor, Scotland.  Lack of French support for Scottish independence has left many separatists both inside and outside Scotland to question the commitment of their longtime Parisian allies.  While some in France say that they understand Scotland's desire to become an independent statehood, the persistence of a strong and collected United Kingdom would ultimately take precedent -many citing the steady emergence of German dominance within the European Union, and the need for a formidable counterbalance.  One French official was quoted as saying, "Sorry, mon brave. We've battled together often in the past. But this time, the fight is not ours."  To which the Scots replied:

A ruling handed down this week by the Texas Supreme Court is causing ripples of frustration within workers rights groups, with many claiming the bench has essentially given major corporations a literal "license to lie."  In what was clearly a dick move, American chemical company Dupont had maliciously deceived thousands of workers about the long-term prospects of their employment, convincing them that the company had no intentions of liquidating a newly created subsidiary to which many had recently been transferred.  All the while, Dupont was engaging in secret talks to sell the spin-off to fellow titan of industry, Koch Industries, who then punted all tangible assets onto well known weapons manufacturer, Doofenshmirtz Evil Incorporated.

Internet Party founder Kim Dotcom has caused a major upset among feminists this week by continuing to issue his all too familiar brand of crude, sexist comments via Twitter.  Dr. Pani Farvid , who has been officially designated as the Party's "gender issues" spokeswoman, attempted to quell outrage by claiming that Dotcom is a product of a sexist western culture and will continue to work toward refining his offensive behavior.  Many partisans responded to Farvid's comments with confusion as they could not identify exactly what gender Kim actually belonged to.

Today in Headlines - Monday, August 18, 2014

World renowned data activist and journalist, Julian Assange, announced on Monday that he would soon depart from the Ecuadorean Embassy in London where has spent the past two years avoiding criminal prosecution over rape charges filed against him in 2011.  Many view the highly questionable complaint as mere retaliation for the 2010 release of classified Pentagon documents pertaining to the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, as well as millions of diplomatic cables, effectively exposing the massive fraud that is American foreign policy.  Assange has yet to specify when he will leave his longtime refuge, but many are anxiously awaiting any sign of his emergence.  It is said that if Assange sees his shadow upon emerging from the Ecuadorean burrow, that will mean an additional six weeks of political asylum.

An elderly woman who has made repeated attempts to board airline flights without a boarding pass was again arrested this week after she was discovered on board a Southwest Airlines flight going from San Jose to Los Angeles.  62-year-old Marilyn Jean Hartman claims she did not mean any harm, but has repeatedly disregarded judicial orders to stay away from airports, receiving a 2 year probation sentence.  Shortly after her arrest, Marilyn was released due to overcrowding in the city jail.  Officers assured reporters that the woman did not appear to pose any flight risk.  

Once again, the people of Ferguson, Missouri, poured into the streets this evening to voice their outrage over the latest bout of police brutality toward unarmed black civilians.  Things grew tense as the announcement from the City Coroners Office showed that Michael Brown had, in fact, been shot a total of six times during the altercation with police that ultimately led to his tragic death.  A raffle was held by demonstration leaders in which protesters could guess how many times Mr. Brown had been hit by Darren Wilson's bullets.  Seen below are participants who had apparently selected 4, 5, 7 or 8 gunshot wounds.  A total of 6 was the answer we were looking for, 6.  Better luck next time.

It was recently revealed during a particularly candid interview with Vulture magazine, that Jim Parrack, who portrays Hoyt Fortenberry on HBO's widely popular series "True Blood"  does, in fact, drink real human blood (Type A to be exact).  Parrack explained that he usually ingested small amounts of the red, red vino drawn exclusively from his new fiance Leven Rambin (Hunger Games), who also reportedly participates in the vampiric activity.

Additionally it was revealed that Breaking Bad actor, Bryan Cranston, occasionally enjoys a phat rock of meth,  Hannibal's Mads Mikkelsen does in his off-time munch on human flesh , and Sue Sylvester from FOX's Glee, is in life an actual monstrous bitch.

A well liked babysitter from Switzerland has made headlines this week for sending cleverly photoshopped images depicting what are often frighteningly dangerous situations to the parents of her kinder clientele.  Many of the photos were tastefully doctored to feature comical situations such as a freaky UFO abduction, being chased by a monstrous T-Rex, or recoiling from a venomous springing cobra.  Unfortunately, the attention quickly turned troublesome when the sitter in questions, one Erica Sigrist, was angrily chastised for sending what one parent found to be a particularly disturbing image, which is depicted below:

No Headlines for the Week of August 18-22, 2014, Due to Illness

There will be no headlines this week due to an unfortunate bout of illness.  Monday's, Wednesday's and Friday's headlines will, in all likelihood, appear sometime Friday night, or Saturday morning.  I would like to thank everyone for all the support this site has received over the past several weeks. 

Today in Headlines - Friday, August 15, 2014

The Kremlin this week placed a virtual muzzle over the lizard-like maw of Russian President Vladimir Putin during a much anticipated speech he delivered while visiting the disputed region of Crimea last Thursday.  No one is entirely sure as to why but, just briefly before the scheduled event was to commence, Kremlin officials suddenly canceled the exclusive live video feed, essentially cutting off most of the world's major news media outlets.  The only available footage had been carried over the restrictive state controlled media, and was not accompanied by sound.  Some viewers reported an intermittent "hissing" noise being heard throughout the broadcast, which of course quickly led several well known conspiracy theorists to declare that Russian President Vladimir Putin is, in fact, a godforsaken Sleestak.

A young mother from South Carolina was arrested on Friday for using what police say was an excessive amount of profanity in front of her two young children.  The incident occurred during a routine shopping trip at a local Kroger supermarket, when an observant shopper noticed that 32-year-old Danielle Wolf was spouting obscenities like Mel Gibson at a highway traffic stop.

But despite the obvious inappropriateness of her actions, Ms. Wolf had not actually committed any crimes, leaving the local police department no choice but to turn her loose.  As she was departing the downtown station, arresting Officer Dan Smith apologized for the inconvenience, to which Ms. Wolf replied, "fuck you very much." 

Danity Kane, an American girl group, who in 2005 obtained limited notoriety as the final product of MTV's Making the Band television series, has reportedly broken up.  While recording in Downtown Los Angeles, performer Dawn Richards allegedly hurled a punch at fellow group member Aubrey O'day.  Following the news of the recent breakup, it was revealed today, via Twitter, that the group's yet to be completed album would be put on hold indefinitely and that the group did not actually own any of the rights to the featured songs.  Most online spectators were greatly dumbfounded by the news, as most of them had not the slightest idea of who in the hell Danity Kane is, or was.

Miley Cyrus is back in the news this week after reportedly going "glamping" in a remote wooded area outside Nashville, Tennessee.  As opposed to packing provisions such as food and water, Ms. Cyrus apparently brought with her only young male/female models, and Apple Pie Moonshine.  During the weekend excursion it was reported that the troop experienced a startling encountered a group of bears.  Luckily, Miley was able to use the hypnotic motion of her twerking to subdue the wild beasts, then forced them to perform in one of her obscene and degrading live stage shows.  

A 2,000-year-old cemetery, located along the Nile River in Southwestern Sudan, is yielding some fairly significant discoveries for eager archaeologists who have been excavating the site since it was accidentally discovered back in 2002.  Among the ancient treasures recently unearthed were some handcrafted silver rings depicting the god Amun, arrowheads and archers thumb rings made of stone, and a particularly spooky faience box depicting the ancient symbol of the "evil eye."  Accompanying the "evil eye" box were other unsettling items such as the "evil" monkey hand from The Simpsons, the "evil" painting from Night Gallery, and Marilyn Manson's "evil" testicles."

A 47-year-old Venezuelan woman was arrested by Spanish police Thursday after flying from Colombia to Barajas, carrying what authorities claim were two crudely inserted breast implants containing approximately 1.7 kilograms of cocaine (about 4 pounds).  The nervous suspect, who quickly confessed to her crime, was immediately charged with drug trafficking and taken to an area hospital to have the "fun bags" removed.  

Luckily, the ever watchful airport security detail were particularly keen on checking out the large breasted women passing through the terminals and were immediately drawn to the suspiciously voluminous bust of their daring smuggler.  

This incident comes just weeks after the news of socialite and human-feline hybrid, Jocelyn Wildenstein, being booked on possession of at least one pound of high quality marijuana.  According to detectives, what had appeared to be large clumps of diseased flesh festering beneath her battered facial tissue, are actually phat nuggles of sweet, sweet, Bubba Kush.  

Upon discovering this hidden treasure trove of pinty goodness, hip-hop rap star, and known scavenger smoker, Snoop Doggy Dogg, promptly picked her bones clean.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Sobelman's Pub and Grill in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, has caught the attention of local news media over a new item being offered on it's famously artery-clogging roadhouse menu. The vile concoction basically consists of a "bloody mary," served in a gallon jug, topped with a complete country fried chicken, as well as sausages, prawns, pickles, asparagus, mushrooms and two bacon-wrapped jalapeno cheeseballs served on skewers.  This grandiose monument to gluttony is being echoed in another part of the country where a small New Jersey bar and grill is serving a particularly "hoggish" beverage called "The Orange Tide."  Which consists of a full Snooki head, fried, accompanied by various grease slathered nibbles dipped in a light bronze tanning solution.

The ever tumultuous political group known as the Tea Party is in dire straights this week as Senate prospects are quickly drying up, compounded by a steady steam of scandals which are greatly testing their already waning national appeal.  The question really becomes, how many more election seasons does the Party have under it's bible-belt?  Known Tea Party backing Super PAC's are expending their resources at a phenomenal rate, and yet, are yielding very little in terms of real world results at the polls.  In a panic, conservative activists are pursuing a new message aimed at cultivating a future voter-base among the young and the hip.

73-year-old, Los Angeles resident Andres Carrasco was recently deemed the victor of a grueling court battle with California-based corporation, Adriana's Insurance Services, Inc.  Mr. Carrasco accused one of Adriana's employees of assaulting him during a sales call gone horribly wrong, for which the company has paid out a settlement of $21,000   Though, to add insult to injury, the insurance company transferred the payout to Mr. Carrasco's attorney in the form of sixteen five-gallon paint buckets filled to the brim with quarters, dimes, and pennies.  When asked what he would do with his award, Carrasco offered that he was mulling the idea of leasing a massive windowless vault from a local business magnate, Scroog McDuck, who apparently died of nickel poisoning earlier this year.

Due to the vast misuse of the word "literally", well known publishing company Merriam-Webster has recently amended it's standard american dictionary to accommodate the more common expression, which closely parallels the proper usage of the word "figuratively."  Now that linguists are beginning to sanction this new second sense lingo, other restatements have been proposed in an effort to keep up with the ever-changing nature of American-English dialect.  For instance, the word "kitsch" now means "hipster irony", "Kardashian" equates to "talented", and "Muslim" translates into "terrorist."  

A seemingly progressive transparency program initiated under the new Digital Accountability and Transparency Act, is coming under fire after a scathing report by the Government Accountability Office (GAO) showed that only 2% to 7% of the spending data allocated under the effort is "fully consistent with agencies' records."  In fact, a total of $619 Billion was determined to be unaccounted for throughout 302 individual federal programs.  In the wake of these revelations, the administration is transferring all future responsibility for the program into the capable hands of the Bureau of Fiscal Services, headed by former optics researcher turned mass criminal, The Invisible Man, who stated, quote "if there's one thing I know, it's transparency."

Today in Headlines - Late Monday, August 11, 2014

The neo-smutrag publication Jezebel is taking a new look at some of the old cast members of the once popular television phenom Laguna Beach. Personalities such as Lauren Conrad, Kristin Cavallari, Morgan Olsen, and Trey Phillips, have been featured throughout an intriguing, albeit shocking, then-and-now photo montage depicting the wild transformations that have taken place post stardom. 

Little shit Justin Bieber has been ordered to pay the paltry sum of $50,000 in compensatory damages and to attend anger management classes as per a court judgement handed down today in Dade County, Florida.  This ruling marks the end of just one episode in a long string of legal entanglements, mostly brought on by the douchey pop star's unruly behavior.  Bieber is certainly not the first celebrity to gain notoriety as an out of control party animal bent on self-destruction.  Many of his ilk these days believe that skirting the law and incurring it's subsequent wrath is but a small price to pay for getting their names trending on the Facetube.  In fact, the support group that Bieber is ordered to partake in has quite the laundry list of famously dysfunctional Hollywood wack-a-doos.  Those expected to be in attendance include actress turned cat-lady Amanda Bynes, former skinhead Brittany Spears, Saturday night rowdy Shia LaBeouf, alcohol receptacle Lindsay Lohan, and human coke straw Macaulay Culkin.  Meetings will be opened by Chapter President, Mel Gibson (you know, I could have gone with Charlie Sheen, or Gary Busey, but let's give those guys a rest.  I mean, why beat a dead horse? That just sounds like something Charlie Sheen or Gary Busey would do.  Could you imagine those two guys out in some pasture in the middle of the night flogging the shit out of a dead horse?  Which they probably killed by feeding it cocaine, or ecstasy, or even DXM).

NASCAR driver Tony Stewart is facing a torrent of questions and accusations after his sprint car struck and killed fellow driver Kevin Ward Jr. during a race last Saturday.  The severity of his actions suddently hit Stewart when he realized he wasn't a cartoon character and that when you hit real bodies with a 2 ton automobile going 120 miles an hour, it tends to rupture internal organs (not cartoon organs), and cause terminal death (again, not cartoon death where you float up to heaven briefly and then realize you have to kill the cat, mouse, dog or whatever, and then float back down to earth, yeah, not that kind, the guy is actually dead).  Judges watching the race determined that Ward Jr. was only worth about 25 points.  That's according to guidelines set forth by the Creed Bratton Standards and Practices of Vehicular Manslaughter.

Multitudes of fans the world over were shocked and saddened when they learned of the unfortunate and untimely death of actor-comedian Robin Williams.  Williams, who starred in movies like Good Morning Vietnam, Hook, and Mrs. Doubtfire, was found dead Monday at his home in Marine County, just North of San Francisco.  The onsite coroner determined that Mr. William had tragically fallen from a random jumping off point, subsequently impaling himself on one of his own sharp witticisms.  He will be greatly missed.

In legal news, 29-year-old Zoe Brugger received a meager $25,000 settlement from the City of Lakeland, Florida, after what many are calling yet another example of law enforcement trampling the Fourth Amendment.  Brugger claims that local police officers violated her civil rights when they repeatedly ordered her to shake out her bra during what she describes as a particularly heinous, not to mention humiliating, roadside stop that occurred late one Sunday night in a dark remote parking lot.  The victim eventually brought her grievances before the State Attorneys Office, who ultimately pressed the City to reach a speedy settlement.  This most recent incident comes hot on the heels of another major upset over a 35-year old Atlanta woman named Venus Bernardo, who was inappropriately asked to shake out her ass with a little roadside twerking outside a Rallys in Tampa.  The City Council paid out an additional $250,000 to Venus, which they fiendishly slipped into the complainant's g-string while hooting, hollering and drinking Alize.

Today in Headlines - Friday, August 8, 2014

World renowned actor Jeff Goldblum is garnering laughs this week after posing in what many consider to be an exceptionally funny wedding photobomb in which Goldblum and friends are seen cleverly staging a spoof-à-la-Jurassic Park.  The photo depicts a modest, well dressed crowed, running hastily from one of the film's towering monstrosities which has been artfully photoshopped into the lakeside woodland background.

According to a recent poll, public trust in the government is at an all-time low.  Researchers indicated that the current level is somewhere between the intellectual prowess of Louie Gohmert, and the ratings for The Michael J. Fox Show.  

Argentina is seeking relief from the International Court of Justice at The Hague over what they claim are serious violations being perpetrated by the United States, all stemming from alleged unfair lending practices.  The current dispute -which stands separately from the ongoing dispute over NSA spying on Argentine energy companies and governmental institutions- involves hedge funds NML Capital and Aurelius Capital Management, who earlier this year brought action in US court to block a deposit from being paid on Argentina's accumulating interest, which the country claims has unduly pushed them into default. Prompting private investigator Leo Getz to bitterly comment, "they fuck you at the NML Capital and Aurelius Capital hedge fund, they fuck you at the NML Capital and Aurelius Capital hedge fund."

A young woman who courageously escaped the clutches of sexual slavery and has gone on to help many others still trapped in that nightmare world of bondage and abuse, is now telling her harrowing story of survival.  21-year-old Marcela Loaiza was, like so many other women, lured from her home country of Colombia with promises of gainful employment abroad but instead found herself peddled by Japanese gangsters on the streets of downtown Tokyo.  Marcela claims she didn't even realize she had been trafficked until one night she noticed a 300 lb. Tom Sizemore vigorously humping her leg.

Pakistani activist Malala Yousafazi, who in October of 2012 was the target of a brazen assassination attempt carried out by local Muslim extremists, is being stalked online by a sad and desperate Justin Bieber.  Bieber, whose popularity has been tested by a recent bout of douchey antics and bad press, evoked Yousafazi during an interview in which he states, "I hope she'll be a belieber," to which Yousafazi replied, "I'd rather be shot in the head by the Taliban."

Lastly, within a troubled little district in the town of Coweta, Georgia, school administrators have completely run amok.  Brooks Elementary School is now officially prohibiting students from bringing festive baked goods, such as cupcakes, cookies, as well as anything containing peanuts, blueberries, strawberries, or gluten, to any school functions including bake sales and sporting events.  This comes amid several other recent banning sprees targeting everything from fast food to footballs.  Administrative Nazis say they won't rest until they've instituted the most extreme measures possible in order to control the unruly student body.  Effectively banning all absorption of oxygen into the blood stream through "breathing," all carbon based organisms, existential realism -promoting the new crackdown with the slogan, "I think, therefore I'm banned."

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, August 6, 2014

 
A small capuchin monkey has reportedly bitten a woman while she was standing outside a popular Southern California pizzeria, prompting authorities to impound the ravenous beast before it could strike again.  The victim, 38-year-old Tricia Moreno was utterly flabbergasted by the incident, describing the monkey as attention starved and completely out of good material. Upon further examination it was found that the primate in custody was actually washed up actor-comedian, Chris Kattan.







The popular internet publication known as VICE is warning it's readers not to "smoke out" their neighbors, lest they end up seriously altering their mental and/or emotional stability, leading to a catastrophic "freak out" situation.  Contributor T. Kid chronicles the time he lit up a fatty blunt with a local weed-head, only to find out his companion was a totally paranoid, delusional wack-job.  Likewise, it is advised not to live next to Charlie Sheen.

Two stupid men from West Virginia are in police custody tonight after allegedly attempting to "carve out" a tattoo situated on the arm of their unconscious roommate.  Upon awakening, the victim voiced his vehement objections, prompting the aggressors to begin dousing the already wounded appendage with flammable liquid and then setting it ablaze.  It's no surprise that the two men, both in their early thirties, are members of the increasingly notable group known internationally as "Juggalos."  Things turned particularly ugly when police were called in on a similar matter involving two Star Wars nerds trying to perform laser eye surgery on an unwilling Juggalo. 

Textbooks containing gross distortions of science and history are now the target of a scathing review by internet powerhouse Mother Jones.  Citing content from the Bob Jones (no relation) University Press private school curriculum, thousands of unwitting school children are being taught that dinosaur bones uncovered by archaeologists are actually the mystical remains of dragons who once populated the planet as is apparently depicted in the bible.  Pseudoscience researchers are unfortunately taking things a step further by claiming that the wound often depicted on the upper torso of Christ was not actually caused by a Roman's spear, but rather a perfectly normal unicorn. 

According to PC Magazine, internet users are finding that if they enter the words "completely wrong," into a Google Images search request, the results will display a virtual cornucopia of webpages displaying images of former presidential hopeful, Mitt Romney.  Other "google bombs" have been known to effect similar personalities.  In 2004, a search for "miserable failure" would mostly yield pages related to then President George W. Bush.  There's no joke in that, it's actually true.

In the wake of what is being considered one of the largest data breaches history, The New York Times is offering readers a little advice on how to keep their online accounts free from the vile clutches of meddling hackers.  Tip No. 1, instead of using a password such as 1234, use something like, 4321.  On a similar note, it is being advised that in order to keep your private information out of the grasp of the NSA, you should simply cease to exist.

Today in Headlines - Monday, August 4, 2014

For generations, psychologists, philosophers, and frankly most of the rest of us have held to the standard that "practice" indeed "makes perfect." but according to a new study appearing in Psychological Science Journal that may not be the case.  A small collaborative of experts have demonstrated that the benefits of "mechanical repetition" may not be as effective in acquiring a high level of expertise as previously thought.  The famous "10,000-hour-rule," promoted by best selling author Malcolm Gladwell, is now finding itself steeped in heavy skepticism, with one researcher stating, "just look at Congress, they've logged well over 10,000 hours over the past few years and still have no idea what their doing."

Oddly enough, actor Bill Murray entered the argument, citing, "In my case, it helped me finally nail Andie MacDowell."

Dozens of Bostonians, mostly teenagers, were treated by paramedics following what's being described by local officials as a "mass casualty" incident occurring late last Monday night during a particularly heinous Keith Urban concert.  It was originally reported that many who were hospitalized came in for over-consumption of alcohol but this was later found not to be the case.  Doctors are now stating that many concertgoers were stricken by a sudden bout of staph related illnesses.  When asked how so many people could be afflicted, one physician theorized, "maybe it was all the crappy music."

According to a recent article published by internet news provider Salon, the internal power structure of the Republican Party has been overrun by "cranks and shills."  Effectively turning the party into a platform for hucksters looking to make a buck off of the nation's frustrated right-leaning votership.  Others blamed for the state of the party include: grifters, flim-flam men, and barefaced, double shuffle, two-bit thimble riggers.

Apparently, a small diner in North Carolina is causing quite a stir over it's discount policy for those spotted openly praying at their establishment. Co-owner of Mary's Gourmet Diner, Shama Blalock, says that the 15% off discount is given to customers at the discretion of the wait staff and is not exclusive to any particular religious denomination.  The news has prompted local members of the Satanic Temple to hoist their own special rate initiative, calling for local pharmacies to give out free Oxycodone to anyone showing up in goat-leggings.   

An on-air scuffle has ensued between a persistent caller and ever popular XM radio host Howard Stern.  The verbal confrontation erupted when the caller fervently denounced the State of Israel for it's waging of war against the inhabitants of the Palestinian territories.  Stern, who has been consistently supportive of Israel throughout the conflict, insisted the Jewish State was at no fault and began angrily cursing the caller as they voiced their wholehearted opposition.  Some may wonder why the often crude and careless shock-jock has been so vocal in defending Israel from any such criticism, but frankly it's as clear as the nose on his face.

A small commercial airliner leaving LaGuardia airport was forced to return to the runway after it was reported that smoke was coming from the cockpit.  Upon landing, the cabin was evacuated and investigators promptly determined the cause.  Apparently it was the, quote, "sticky icky."