The Weekend Review - June 28 - 29, 2014

Some experts are warning that the U.S. model of drone warfare could put the world on a "slippery slope" toward "continual war."  In response to this, toy-maker Wham-O, Inc. has put into production a colossal military grade "Slip-N-Slide" expected to be deployed in Afghanistan later this fall.

When asked for comment, one service member was quoted as saying, "it's all going downhill anyway."

The death penalty has been the focus of a major trial underway this week in the great state of Hawaii.  During it's final stages, Jurors were asked to decide whether the accused should spend the rest of his life in prison, or be thrown into a giant volcano.

And just hours before his disruptive outburst on Broadway, a crazed, albeit determined Shai LaBeof demanded that a local homeless man hand over his crumpled bag of stale McDonalds french fries or, quote, "be destroyed".  LaBeof insisted the fries had mystical properties and that he needed them in order to get back to the year 1985.  The beleaguered homeless man was reluctant to give up the fries having just stolen them from former actress turned cat-lady, Amanda Bynes.  Bynes herself had apparently just lifted the fries off of popular 90's actor and professional madman, Gary Busey.

When asked where Busey got the magical bag of fries, he replied, "I stole it from a stupid Daikini while he was urinating in a McDonald's restroom"  The Daikini in question was of course actor Val Kilmer, who can be seen (left) running after Busey.

NASA has unveiled a new "Flying Saucer"-type spacecraft that many are hailing as an important scientific milestone.  Opponents of science on capitol hill were quick to denounce NASA's decision to fund the project.  Especially after it was discovered that NASA engineers had unnecessarily accessorized the ship by adding two little green men that show battle damage when you dip them in cold water.

The cruise-ship Westerdam was forced to return to port in Seattle this week after a fire suddenly broke out on-board, sending plumes of danky grayish smoke high into the air.  Upon discovering the source of the fire, owner Holland America announced that it seemed to have originated in the Cheech & Chong suite.

It was revealed today that Facebook has been conducting a secret psychological experiment on it's users by testing their emotional responses to both positive and negative content.  The study found evidence showing that social media can instigate an emotional contagion which will spread from person to person.  One such emotional response was the increasing feeling of being totally creeped out by Facebook.

Almost overnight the world has changed for pro-government forces in Iraq as yet another major offensive to retake the City of Tikrit flounders before the seamless defense laid on by the opposition.  Sunni insurgents alongside ISIS fighters drove Shiite forces out of the city like Indonesians running from a factory fire.  A loss that is sure to be a major blow to the already deteriorating sense of morale within the Iraqi Army's tired ranks.  Upon accepting the utter defeat, one Iraqi soldier by the name of Sheikh Abu Walter stated, and I quote, "Fuck it dude, let's go bowling."

While many continue to insist the Iraqi Army's resolve is strong, some have sensed a lack of motivation.