Today in Headlines - Monday, August 24, 2015

North Portland residents are stunned after a random stabbing almost took the life of one Robert Alexander outside a popular restaurant in Maltnomah.  Eye witness reports say that Alexander had accused a fellow restaurant patron of stealing the potato chips from his daughter's plate.  The accused individual, 56-year-old Clarence Dorn Jr., quickly became enraged, drawing a small blade from his back pocket with which he repeatedly stabbed Alexander, who luckily sustained only minor injuries.  News of the attack has spurred a cutting edge promotional campaign by Tostitos featuring prominent knife wielding madman Jason Bateman.

"The Taste is Totally Killer."

Tensions between North and South Korea rose sharply this week after North Korean dictator Kim Jong-Un ordered his troops to fire upon a series of loudspeakers installed along the southern side of the border. South Koreans had initially constructed the speakers to broadcast anti-communist propaganda in an effort to attract possible defectors. 

Jong apparently lost his cool when South Koren broadcasters altered their programming taste from straightforward welcome messages to crude "yo mama" jokes aimed squarely at the dictator's own mother.  Some of which are listed below:

"Kim's momma so fat her butt can be used as missile defense shield."  

Or...

"Kim's momma so fat, when Kim executes someone by shooting them into a mountain, they use her as the mountain."  

Also...

"Kim's momma so greasy, she uses bacon as a band-aid."

And of course... 

"Kim's momma so stupid she went to the dentist to get her Bluetooth fixed.  
Oh, wait, they don't have Bluetooth in North Korea...cause they suuuuuck."

Lastly,

"Kim's momma so fat, her blood type is Nutella."

As a result of a breakthrough nuclear accord with the Islamic Republic of Iran, British officials have, for the first time in decades, witnessed the raising of their beloved Union Jack at the newly re-opened British Embassy in Tehran.  When asked whether similar relations might be re-instituted with the U.S., Minister or Defense Mohammad Javad Zarif clearly hesitated and made it quite clear that it was far too soon to consider restoring close diplomatic relations with the, quote, "illogical" Americans -a policy stance promoted in large part by the Iranian Minister for Intelligence, Mohammad Al Spock.

Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush is defending comments he made condemning birthright citizenship and the exploitation of "anchor babies" as a means of gaining resident status.  Opponents took aim at Bush for his usage of the term, calling it insensitive and demeaning.  Bush responded pointedly, advising his critics to, quote, "chill out."  Experts attribute the sudden change in attitude to his newly appointed "youth vote" brain trust, Bill & Ted's Excellent Political Advisory Board."

Today in Headlines - Friday, August 21, 2015

This week in technology, IBM has unveiled a groundbreaking micro-processing platform that can effectively mimic the rodent brain, specifically that of a mouse.  Experts say the new system could be used to build "hyper-smart" cellphones and other useful devices.  However, the implementation of even a fledgling AI program has definitely raised some ethical reg flags within the scientific community.  World renowned physicist Stephen Hawking issued a somewhat ominous question, asking "Exactly what kind of brain are we building here?"

Fertility specialists have recently published a finding that suggests freezing eggs can significantly lower birthrates through in vitro fertilization.  Apparently, experts with the Foster Farms Fertility Clinic in Santa Fe, New Mexico, came upon the discovery during one of their routines quality spot checks. 

Presidential campaign underdog Jeb Bush is unfortunately in the hot seat this week after it was discovered that a prominent pro-Bush super PAC sent out approximately 86,000 mailers featuring the candidate's head photoshopped onto a black man's body.  The image drew immediate condemnation from black community leaders, calling for a formal apology from the candidate.  In an uncharacteristically brutish manner, Bush responded by saying "I pity the fool who tries to paint Jeb Bush as a racist."

Meanwhile, during a recent campaign event in Mobile, Alabama, presidential front-runner Donald Trump greeted approximately 20,000 supporters as they packed into the Leed Pebbles Stadium, all waiting for a taste of the Donald's special brand of socially retarded rhetoric that they've come to love so much.  Much of Trump's success has been credited to his close community organizing and quick coalition building.  Below he can be seen addressing a local delegate from the Young Republican Cannibals Committee.

"I'm so happy I could eat a black person."

Today in Headlines - Monday, August 17, 2015

During a recent diplomatic mission to Beijing, Army Chief of Staff Gen. Raymond Odierno issued staunch criticism of Donald Trump's recent suggestion to "bomb the hell out of the Middle East" as a means of resolving conflict there.  The four star commander roundly rejected the proposal, stating simply, "that is not where we are today."  Odierno also took a moment to announce his formal retirement from the armed forces, effective in September.  Apparently, the general will be spending the remainder of his years fulfilling his true calling, to work as a Steve Wilkos look-a-like for special events and private parties.

Ariel Winter, the young and buxom starlet of ABC's Modern Family, is apparently turning in her substantial cha-cha's" for a pair of diminutive "chi-chi's."  Citing years of relentless harassment and misogyny, Winter has decided to undergo a drastic reduction of her breast tissue, sadly bringing her all the way down to a measly B cup.  It was said that at the very moment the surgical procedure was set to begin, a long deceased Ted Kennedy suddenly rose from his resting place, crying out:

"Noooooooooooo!"

A group of evangelical Christians in Brazil have launched their own "sin-free" Facebook alternative that bans all forms of obscenity and/or smut.  American evangelicals have been generally wary of joining the site, unsure of whether the content will lack the persistent xenophobia and general intolerance they've come to expect from their social networking experience.

A small Maryland community is mourning the loss of 51-year-old Leonard Robinson who friends say devoted a substantial amount of his personal time to appearing as the famed caped crusader Batman at various local children's hospitals.  Robinson was killed last week when a truck traveling southbound on Interstate 70 struck his batmobile-style Lamborghini as it was parked on the right shoulder.  Eye witnesses say the batmobile had lost a wheel, and all other reports indicate that the Joker did, in fact, get away.

Today in Headlines - Friday, August 14, 2015

With the further ratcheting up of economic sanctions on Russia, French military contractors have been forced to unload a pair of Mistral warships originally set for departure to the Arctic.  Each vessel sells for roughly 1 billion dollars and comes complete with built in WiFi.  Unfortunately for the French, potential buyers seem to be very few and far between.  So far the only interested parties consist of the Monopoly Guy and Kanye West. 

Tea Party favorite Ben Carson is scrambling to address recent reports involving his professional contributions to advanced fetal tissue research, a practice that is considered most abhorrent among his predominantly pro-life political base.  

As the lauded neurosurgeon made every attempt to explain away this past transgression, his defense seemed to become increasingly aloof and dismissive, with statement like, "Yes, I tried fetal tissue research in college, but I didn't inhale...their life force to sustain my own."

The long running children's television classic Sesame Street is about to undergo the most substantial reorganization of its time.  While the traditional carriers PBS and member stations will continue to broadcast the program, HBO has acquired all production rights and intends to give an appropriate cable T.V. treatment to the entire workshop.  Industry experts foresee major shift in programming taste, largely aimed at appealing to the greater adult viewer base.

Upon embarking on his annual two-week vacation to Martha's Vineyard, U.S. President Barack Obama released his intended reading list for the remainder of the summer season. Several of Obama's personal selections touched on subjects such as climate change and mass extinction, while others geared toward vital self-help.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, August 12, 2015

An 18 wheel tractor-trailer hauling approximately 10,000 cans of Bud Light toppled over onto Route 48 in Northwestern Idaho last weekend, spilling it's entire cargo and seriously injuring at least two drivers.  The incident, which held up evening traffic for several hours, was said to have been caused when the truck driver became distracted by his canine companion, an unruly mut that some witnesses described as, quote, "the original party animal."

Barney from the Simpsons has reportedly been contracted to clean up the spill.  More on this as it develops.

The indomitable forces of the paper lobby have descended upon Washington this week after Security and Exchange Commission members proposed an amendment that would require mutual funds to send their shareholder statements digitally.  A fiery uprising is currently underway to prevent the sudden loss in business which is sure to have a substantial effect on revenues.  The northeast paper lobby is believed to have sent forth its best and brightest, Regional Manager of Dunder Mifflin Scranton, Mr. Dwight K. Schrute.

Leading Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump has continued his campaign of political shock and awe this week after dropping caustic comments on Rosie O'Donnell, Megyn Kelly and even retired supermodel Heidi Klum.  To further his Biff Tannon style appealability with voters, Trump has announced that he will be replacing his former staff writer with fictional hand-puppet television character, Triumph the Insult Comic Dog, who has also been promised a cabinet seat in a potential Trump administration.  The current nominees include:

Police are investigating an incident involving an unknown assailant who threw down large chunks of concrete from the ledge of a high-rise corporate office building in downtown Minneapolis.  Witnesses say the debris began falling from the JCPenny shopping center, nearly striking several pedestrians below.  Detectives are already questioning Gary Busey.

What's being described as a massive communal spiderweb has been discovered in a Dallas area suburb.  The impressive arachnid conglomeration was discovered when public safety crews arrived at 95 Wasserman Drive in Rowlette to trim a series of overgrown branches. Workmen discovered that several trees had been completely covered with webbing, in some places reaching upwards of 40 feet into the air and housing literally thousands of spiders.  The strange phenomenon has understandably shaken local residents who fear that the "commie" spiders may spread, eventually overtaking other free-enterprising spiders who do not wish to join their strictly communal cadre.  The issue has led to a heated local debate over how to handle the infiltration, eventually prompting the ever watchful corpse of U. S. President Ronald Reagan to make a decisive call for action:

"Mr. Spider, tear down this web!"

Today in Headlines - Monday, August 10, 2015

Wedge-tailed eagles are known to fly as high as 6,000 ft., and have been known to attack helicopters and para-gliders.  Animal experts say it is likely the animal had perceived the drone to be a threat within it's territorial airspace.  The incident has sparked a new discussion on how increases in UAV activity might effect wildlife.  On the lighter side, the scuffle has also served as an inspiration for the newest installment of the widely popular Angry Birds video game series reportedly titled:

"Angry Birds vs. The Military Industrial Complex."

Today the Australian Prime Minister announced his intentions to block any vote on the controversial legalization of gay marriage.  In bowing to international pressure, many of the country's MP's have suggested that it is perhaps time for the Aussie state to simply "get with the times," and except the new standard of equality.  After making his case, Prime Minister Abbot quickly launched a viscous soaked tongue out of his reptilian face-mouth, snatching an unfortunate camera man into his ravenous jaws, devouring him instantly.

A District Court judge is set to rule on whether the incredibly famous Olsen Twins, best known for their joint portrayal of Michelle Tanner on Full House, will have to pay restitution to a sizable group of former interns as per their lawsuit.  Court documents detail grueling conditions and seemingly endless work hours, most of which was spent shoring up the Olsen's own feeling of self-importance, and constantly inflating their collective ego.

Contractors working for the EPA accidentally breached a vital dam at the Gold King industrial mine in Northeastern Colorado.  The incident occurred when technicians attempted to replace a waste cap, inadvertently sending close to 3 million gallons of Velveeta Cheese into the Animas River.  Communities along the river are vehemently complaining to state officials that the spill has brought down annual tourist turn-out.  The local Navajo people are reportedly furious as well, one representative stating his displeasure with the White Man, claiming "many moons ago, we were promised that only Land O' Lakes cheese products would flow in these sacred waters."

The Wall Street Journal announced today that the once mighty publisher Columbia House has filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy protections, effectively bringing an end to decades of shady mail-order promotions promising dozens of musical titles for just pennies on the dollar.  Upon receiving word of Columbia's utter death-spiral, market analysts have theorized that the fall would open up a brand new era of "afterlife" debt collection. Barry White CDs.

"If I knew then, what I know now...I wouldn't have ordered all those Linda Ronstadt tapes."

Today in Headlines - Friday, August 7, 2015

North Korea has announced that they will be shifting their clock settings backward 30 minutes, effectively creating their very own timezone. When asked whether this would have any relevant impact on the world at large, one expert remarked:

"Those people are crazy."

In the icy shadow of the premier Republican debate, lesser candidates of the right had assembled for the disgraceful "Happy Hour" JV deliberation put on by, of course, Fox News Channel.  A runty cavalcade of political rejects performed their heart outs for a seemingly empty house, for many it was a sad thing to behold.  

Attendees were reportedly limited to friends, family members, and official campaign staffers.  Some expressed deep disappointment over such a meager turnout, while others, less tethered to reality, insisted the support was strong.  Our own political correspondent, The Invisible Man, had this to say:

"Are you kidding me? That place was off-the-hook!"

A sinkhole in New York City caused a late-night disturbance for citizens at 64th and Fifth, many of whom panicked when the ground suddenly gave way to a 7-meter-wide chasm placed squarely in the middle of what is usually a busy downtown intersection.  City engineers were immediately sent in to investigate the cause of the depression.  From the bowels of New York City they reported seeing a river of pink slime and the basis for a devastatingly lackluster sequel.

This week in Burbank, California, an unidentified man jumped from the Magnolia Boulevard overpass, stunning drivers as they watched him plummet headfirst onto the concrete roadway below, dying instantly at the scene.  Authorities say that the decedent's family members are beside themselves with grief, unable to cope with their sudden loss and left with burning questions about their loved one's mental state at the time of his death.  Particularly, questions like "Why the hell would he go to Burbank?"

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, August 5, 2015

In Stratford, Connecticut this week, an 81-year-old man committed a vile sex act with a defenseless shrubbery.  Police were called after both the man and spectators were eventually driven away by the furious keepers of the bush, the self-described "Knights Who Say 'Ni'."

UPDATE:  The owners of the previously reported on shrubbery have reportedly issued a public statement proclaiming that they are no longer the Knights Who Say "Ni" but, rather, are now to be referred to as the Knights Who Say "Icky Icky Icky Icky Kapang Zoop Boing!"

Marco Rubio caught some flak this week after posting comments via Twitter regarding the current outrage surrounding the killing of Cecil the Lion by an American Dentist while on an illegal poaching expedition in Zimbabwea.  Rubio openly queried as to why so much fuss should be made over the killing of one animal, when so many unborn fetuses are killed in America on such a regular basis.  Whatever the merits of his statement, Rubio's trivializing of Cecil's untimely demise was not well received, with many still calling for the extradition of the Minnesota area Dentist who shot Cecil.  Subsequently, Rubio has come under fire for shooting his own foot, and Greenpeace has reportedly threatened to tie his shoelaces together.  

A sleazy Kuwaiti Airlines pilot is in hot water this week after his alleged cockpit philandering with former pornstar/X-Factor contestant, Cloe Khan.  Upon recognizing Khan, who's industry name is Cloe "Mafia", the 54-year-old married pilot quickly invited her up front for champagne and cigarettes, boasting, quote, "the plane flies itself."

Recently, a team of oceanographers and marine biologists sent an undersea probe into the depths of the Kavachi volcano, located just ten miles east of the Solomon Islands.  Researchers say they were utterly stunned as images began to show large groups of what some are calling "mutant" sharks, swimming freely about the open volcanic trench.  The discovery has already attracted the interest of several parties, including private research magnate Dr. Evil, who's first question was, "and where are the freakin' lasers?" 

Today in Headlines - Monday, August 3, 2015

Today, before millions of Muppet fans the world over, legendary performer Kermit the Frog announced that he and his longtime love, Miss Piggy, would officially split.  After nearly 40 tumultuous years in the spotlight together, the two ended their relationship amicably, citing "irreconcilable differences."  Many fans expressed shock over the news, while others found themselves somewhat titillated by the prospect of another major Muppet love affair beginning.  Kermit, in keeping with his apparent preference for that which is plump and pink, has already started dating Comedy Central's Amy Schumer.

Almost immediately after his release from an Israeli State prison, Yishai Schlissel has been arrested yet again for slashing demonstrators at a gay pride event in downtown Jerusalem.   Yishai had recently completed a 10-year mandatory sentence for a similar attack back in 2005, during which he seriously wounded three people.  The punishment is expected to be substantially harsher this time around, considering that one of his recent victims, 16-year-old Shira Banki, has died from her injuries.  In addition to charges of aggravated assault and murder, Mr. Schlissel will also be charged with improper use of "crazy eyes."

In the Middle East this week, Al-Nursa terrorists have reportedly kidnapped a group of U.S.-trained rebels while on patrol along the Turkish border.  The precision and relative ease with which the seizure was carried out has raised fears that without viable opposition, additional territories may fall to the growing influence of the Islamic State.  International military advisers took the kidnapping event as an opening to pose criticisms of the U.S. war effort, proclaiming cheekily, "maybe they should stop training kids."

Qatar-based Taliban political leader, Tayeb Agha, has officially resigned from his post.  Tayeb says that after years of dutiful service, he came to realize that the Taliban lacked the essentials of what he was looking for in a fundamentalist political movement.   He also expressed grievances over what he felt were serious deficiencies in the organization -particularly, it's dental plan.  Apparently, Taliban dentists, lacking proper training and equipment, would often blow up teeth as opposed to extracting them.

Today in Mansfield, hard drugs were stealthily couriered via drone into the recreation yard of an Ohio State prison, establishing an entirely new dimension of smuggling to which correctional authorities are scrambling to adapt.  Prison officials state that a package containing several ounces of tobacco, marijuana, and a small amount of heroin was dropped during outdoors time, causing a stir to which guards were quickly alerted.  The scheme eventually unraveled when prisoners refused to share the payload and guards moved in to break them up.  Guards reportedly encouraged them to take turns, but the prisoners refused and the facility was quickly placed on lock-down.  The drone and it's cargo are currently stowed on the top shelf of the Warden's closet, and will apparently remain there until the prisoners learn to share their toys and narcotics.

Today in Headlines - Monday, July 13, 2015

In financial news, lauded rapper and occasional film star 50 Cent, a/k/a Curtis James Jackson, has reportedly filed for bankruptcy.  According to sources close to the performer, the move came just days after he was ordered to pay up to $5M to settle claims that he maliciously released a steamy sex-tape against the expressed wishes of the female participant.  Mr. Jackson insisted the Chapter 11 filing was merely a temporary setback, but that as a cautionary measure he would be downgrading his official rap title to "10 Cent."

Today Sony Entertainment announced that it will not continue the notably lackluster Amazing Spider-man film franchise, citing it's consistently poor performance at the box office.  When pressed for comment, the former web-slinging star was predictably aloof, occasionally gazing at the floor whilst shuffling his feet, eventually muttering "Whatevs. Don't have me as Spider-Man, see if I care."

In true bitch form, Lebanese porn starlet Mia Kahlifa has posted a series of private communications she received from Buffalo Bills safety, Duke Williams.  Williams was apparently trying to tap that ass when Mia decided to expose the would-be player's bunk-ass game to the greater twitter community.  Entertainment news websites quickly seized upon the incident, with one headline reading "Mia Khalifa Exposes NFL Player Duke Williams for Sliding Into Her DMs."  In the wake of an ensuing media blitz, beef-head sportscaster Stephen A. Smith cut right to the chase, asking:

"What are her DMs and where do I slide into them?"

"Do I need to wash my hands for this?"

It appears that the United States military is one high-heeled step closer to employ the transgender among their honored ranks.  Defense Secretary Ashton B. Carter announced today that the Pentagon would bring a formal end to an "outdated" regulation.  The dramatic change in "uniform" is expected to have far reaching effects, not only for the greater military community, but throughout the TS culture as well.

"To Wong Foo...Thank you for serving your country."

A contractor working at a Frankfurt area VW plant was tragically killed last month when the stationary assembly robot he was installing unexpectedly grabbed him and crushed his body against a solid steel plate.  Immediately following the accident, mother and involuntary mental health patient Sarah Connor commented, "I fuckin' told you guys."

A prominent internet food blogger has posted a mouthwatering photo of what appears to be a deep fried Big Mac hamburger.  The accompanying caption explains that the burger had been dipped in egg yokes, sprinkled with breadcrumbs, and then lowered into a deep-fryer for approximately 60 seconds.  The result is a delectable 1500 calorie treat, an image of which quickly swept the internet.  Shortly thereafter, the corpses of Chris Farley, John Belushi and John Candy all simultaneously rose from the dead. 

Today in Headlines - Friday, June 5, 2015

The 2015 World Taxidermy Championship is currently underway in Springfield, Missouri, this week.  The event draws thousands of professional taxidermists from over 22 nations, all of them looking to compete for the much coveted title of Grand Champion.  Attendees were quick to notice that many of this year's entries went well above and beyond the usual mounting and positioning common to the trade.  This year, a new emphasis on action and movement has taken hold and the results are nothing short of spectacular.  Two award winning skin-stuffers, Fred and Gerald Perkins, received considerable acclaim for their realistic depiction of an African lion ferociously attacking a warthog.  The pair come hot off the heels of a lucrative job servicing a considerably high profile clientele.  The Perkins brothers were reportedly paid an exorbitant fee for their efforts to bring some kind of life into the Botox saturated face of reality T.V. matriarch, Kris Jenner.

Actor/Director Shia LaBeouf recently addressed an enthusiastic assembly of New Jersey area highschoolers, lending his life's culmination of experience and knowledge to the next generation of America's best and brightest.  In an honest effort to pass on his own personal recipe for success, Mr. LaBeouf spent the greater part of an hour instructing the youngsters on vital techniques involving:  

       (a) Public intoxication.

       (b) Disorderly conduct.

       (c) Stoking media coverage every time you change your hair-style.

For several years the European Incoherent Scatter Scientific Association  (or "EISCAT") located in Tromso, Norway, has been transmitting peaceful greetings from the human race into various parts of the galaxy; particularly those believed to harbor planetary systems similar to our Earth.  In June of 2008, the Association was paid an exorbitant amount of money to send a specific message into the heart of the Ursa Major constellation.  The stunt was apparently part of an ongoing promotion conducted by tortilla chip maker Doritos.  This week, EISCAT technicians finally received their long awaited reply.  Aliens from a small system within Ursa Major have identified their home world as "Planet Extreme" and described the wormhole they traveled through as, quote, "totally tubular."

A five member advisory panel with the FDA has announced its endorsement of an experimental new drug designed to increase the female sex drive.  The substance, currently known as Flibanserin, has been described by experts as the "Viagra for women," and has already found substantial interest throughout the very lucrative pharmaceuticals industry.  Since the drug is still going through its preliminary approval process, little is known about its expected social impact.  As the news broke, reactions on Capitol Hill were said to be mixed: 

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Food Network's own Bobby Flay was bestowed with a rare honor this week, being the first celebrity chef to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Flay was elated to be given the prestigious award, stating, "this is indeed a great honor."  However, the ceremony was not without incident.  During the unveiling, a small, low-flying aircraft flew over the area, towing a banner which read "Cheater," the word being an obvious reference to Flay's supposed penchant for infidelity.  Some might recall a similar denunciation of fellow T.V. super chef Gordon Ramsay, who was hit with a similar flyby just last year.

The transgender Olympian formerly known as Bruce Jenner has come out to the world this week, appearing on the June cover of Vanity Fair as the newly christened "Caitlin" Jenner.  The announcement garnered instant worldwide media attention and supposedly broke the standing record for Twitter activity.  The subsequent wave of popular support has effectively landed Jenner a lucrative contract with E! Television.  To officiate her transition into womanhood, Caitlyn was offered substantially lower pay and fewer benefits.

Scientist in Massachusetts have recently identified a new species of marsupial now officially known as the Dusky Antechinus.  The discovery made national headlines when scientists found that the Anechinus actually breeds itself to death over the course of several days.  The furry little fucker is the second such specimen to be cataloged in the known animal kingdom.  The first of course being Eliot Spitzer.

A recent Fox News poll found that an overwhelming majority of conservative American Christians are becoming increasingly concerned that the open expression of their religious beliefs is being misconstrued as hate-speech.  While another nationwide poll found that the vast majority of Americans are worried about Christians speaking hate.

Supposed "terrorism expert" and recently inducted Vice-Chancellor of Oxford University, Louise Richardson, has made what some consider to be offensive remarks while speaking at a conference last May.  In addition to accusing the United States of "overreacting" in its response to the attacks of September 11, 2001, Richardson also claimed that the British were able to handle terrorism better than their American allies because, as she put it, "Brits are more resilient."  Some have suggested that such a resiliency may have derived from the many centuries the English spent pouring human waste onto their own city streets.  

Richardson's appointment was hailed as a major step for women's equality, since she will be the first Vice-Chancellor to be appointed in Oxford's 743 year history.  English feminists touted the position as being "the equivalent of an American university president."  Prior to this most recent promotion, Richardson had served as the Head Principal of St. Andrews in Fife, which is apparently the American equivalent of a pompous, ostentatious, know-it-all.