Today in Headlines - Friday, June 5, 2015

The 2015 World Taxidermy Championship is currently underway in Springfield, Missouri, this week.  The event draws thousands of professional taxidermists from over 22 nations, all of them looking to compete for the much coveted title of Grand Champion.  Attendees were quick to notice that many of this year's entries went well above and beyond the usual mounting and positioning common to the trade.  This year, a new emphasis on action and movement has taken hold and the results are nothing short of spectacular.  Two award winning skin-stuffers, Fred and Gerald Perkins, received considerable acclaim for their realistic depiction of an African lion ferociously attacking a warthog.  The pair come hot off the heels of a lucrative job servicing a considerably high profile clientele.  The Perkins brothers were reportedly paid an exorbitant fee for their efforts to bring some kind of life into the Botox saturated face of reality T.V. matriarch, Kris Jenner.

Actor/Director Shia LaBeouf recently addressed an enthusiastic assembly of New Jersey area highschoolers, lending his life's culmination of experience and knowledge to the next generation of America's best and brightest.  In an honest effort to pass on his own personal recipe for success, Mr. LaBeouf spent the greater part of an hour instructing the youngsters on vital techniques involving:  

       (a) Public intoxication.

       (b) Disorderly conduct.

       (c) Stoking media coverage every time you change your hair-style.

For several years the European Incoherent Scatter Scientific Association  (or "EISCAT") located in Tromso, Norway, has been transmitting peaceful greetings from the human race into various parts of the galaxy; particularly those believed to harbor planetary systems similar to our Earth.  In June of 2008, the Association was paid an exorbitant amount of money to send a specific message into the heart of the Ursa Major constellation.  The stunt was apparently part of an ongoing promotion conducted by tortilla chip maker Doritos.  This week, EISCAT technicians finally received their long awaited reply.  Aliens from a small system within Ursa Major have identified their home world as "Planet Extreme" and described the wormhole they traveled through as, quote, "totally tubular."

A five member advisory panel with the FDA has announced its endorsement of an experimental new drug designed to increase the female sex drive.  The substance, currently known as Flibanserin, has been described by experts as the "Viagra for women," and has already found substantial interest throughout the very lucrative pharmaceuticals industry.  Since the drug is still going through its preliminary approval process, little is known about its expected social impact.  As the news broke, reactions on Capitol Hill were said to be mixed: 

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, June 3, 2015

Food Network's own Bobby Flay was bestowed with a rare honor this week, being the first celebrity chef to receive a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame.  Flay was elated to be given the prestigious award, stating, "this is indeed a great honor."  However, the ceremony was not without incident.  During the unveiling, a small, low-flying aircraft flew over the area, towing a banner which read "Cheater," the word being an obvious reference to Flay's supposed penchant for infidelity.  Some might recall a similar denunciation of fellow T.V. super chef Gordon Ramsay, who was hit with a similar flyby just last year.

The transgender Olympian formerly known as Bruce Jenner has come out to the world this week, appearing on the June cover of Vanity Fair as the newly christened "Caitlin" Jenner.  The announcement garnered instant worldwide media attention and supposedly broke the standing record for Twitter activity.  The subsequent wave of popular support has effectively landed Jenner a lucrative contract with E! Television.  To officiate her transition into womanhood, Caitlyn was offered substantially lower pay and fewer benefits.

Scientist in Massachusetts have recently identified a new species of marsupial now officially known as the Dusky Antechinus.  The discovery made national headlines when scientists found that the Anechinus actually breeds itself to death over the course of several days.  The furry little fucker is the second such specimen to be cataloged in the known animal kingdom.  The first of course being Eliot Spitzer.

A recent Fox News poll found that an overwhelming majority of conservative American Christians are becoming increasingly concerned that the open expression of their religious beliefs is being misconstrued as hate-speech.  While another nationwide poll found that the vast majority of Americans are worried about Christians speaking hate.

Supposed "terrorism expert" and recently inducted Vice-Chancellor of Oxford University, Louise Richardson, has made what some consider to be offensive remarks while speaking at a conference last May.  In addition to accusing the United States of "overreacting" in its response to the attacks of September 11, 2001, Richardson also claimed that the British were able to handle terrorism better than their American allies because, as she put it, "Brits are more resilient."  Some have suggested that such a resiliency may have derived from the many centuries the English spent pouring human waste onto their own city streets.  

Richardson's appointment was hailed as a major step for women's equality, since she will be the first Vice-Chancellor to be appointed in Oxford's 743 year history.  English feminists touted the position as being "the equivalent of an American university president."  Prior to this most recent promotion, Richardson had served as the Head Principal of St. Andrews in Fife, which is apparently the American equivalent of a pompous, ostentatious, know-it-all.

Today in Headlines - Monday, June 1, 2015

A local Parkersburg man was arrested Saturday for stealing from a Belpre area pawn broker, Bill's Coins.  The bandit, 35-year-old Jonathan Whatley, had been detained on an outstanding warrant but after extensive questioning, admitted to hocking approximately $3,000 worth of antique coins stolen from Peddler's Junction, a coin dealer in downtown Parkersburg.  According to law enforcement officials, Whatley was attempting to acquire the necessary funds to pay for a much needed neck reduction surgery.  

A late night family gathering turned ugly last Thursday when a fiery brawl broke out over who would get to eat the last beef barbecue rib.  Local media reports say that two female attendees began arguing over how much the other was eating, when, according to eye witnesses, the much heavier of the pair lunged over a picnic table and proceeded to viciously stab her adversary in the eyeball with a plastic fork.  Upon arriving at the scene, Muncie police arrested the attacker, charging her with criminal recklessness.  The fork-wielding foodie was recently identified as Mimi Bobeck of Cleaveland, Ohio.

Republican presidential candidate Marco Rubio was spotted in Las Vegas, Nevada, this week making an impromtu campaign stop at the World Famous Gold & Silver Pawn Shop as seen on the History Channel's hit reality television series "Pawn Stars."  The tea party favorite spent time shucking and jiving with owner Rick Harrison and his son Korey, no doubt attempting to curry greater favor among the notorious southwestern beef-head population.  It wasn't all pleasantries, however, Rubio eventually got down to business, attempting to pawn off what little is left of his national appeal. 

"I'll give you two bucks, two bucks."

Canadians made a significant step toward practical tax reform this week by eliminating the widely contested "tampon tax," which women's rights advocates claim unduly targets females and their natural biological functions.  Other western countries have already successfully passed similar initiatives.  In the United Kingdom, UKIP party leader Nigel Farage vehemently expressed his support, stating:  "It's about bloody time."

Up-and-coming artist Richard Prince could be facing possible legal backlash over his recent installment at the Frieze Art Fair last May.  Prince is commonly known for his simple presentations of blown up photos that he himself gleans from the photo-sharing/social networking service known as Instagram.  Prince was said to have sold nearly every picture, all going for the heavy price of $90,000.  Despite his great financial success, Prince has received an essentially cold reception in the local New York art community.  Many call his processes unimaginative, accusing him of laziness and outright banality.  Unfortunately for Mr. Prince, the art world simply demands originality.

Today in Headlines - Friday, May 29, 2015

A recent study discovered that a certain number of compounds found in the ever popular party drug ecstasy, show a remarkable ability to combat the crippling effects of social anxiety disorder.  Researchers believe that the Schedule 1 substance may, in fact, hold the key to reversing many chemical imbalances that ultimately lead to such conditions.  One test subject, a mental health patient named Bob Wiley, commented on his experiences with the study:

I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...

I feel good, I feel great, I feel wonderful...

During its annual I/O Conference, Google, Inc., unveiled what many are calling a truly inspired, albeit simplistic, virtual reality display called "Cardboard." The stereoscopic viewer allows its user to watch any 3-D rendered content using either their smartphone or tablet.  Recipients of the Cardboard test model were intrigued by its rudimentary design, which Google chalked up to greater accessibility to customers.  Developers of Cardboard say the device is just one of many new VR associated products currently being tested by Google.  One such product that many tech junkies are eagerly awaiting has been described as a Star Trek style "halo-deck," where users can immerse themselves in a digital world of fantasy and adventure, as can be seen below:

The FBI is probing a popular Ohio area Walmart over a deadly shooting involving an unarmed civilian last month.  The Walmart indicated that it didn't mind the probing, but said "the least the FBI could do is take me out to dinner first."

Shortly after announcing his bid for the Democratic nomination for the 2016 presidential election, Vermont Independent, Bernie Sanders, was hit with an onslaught of criticism over a particularly salacious 1972 essay penned by Sanders while he was serving as contributor to the Vermont Freeman, a local "alternative" newspaper.  The piece, entitled "Man-and-Woman", describes a pair of wed sexual deviants and their incredibly lewd fantasies, respectively.  Sanders' closest contender, former Secretary of State Hillary Rodham Clinton, declined to comment on the issue, but her husband, former President of the United States Bill Clinton, had this to say:

"I'm familiar with the work."

According to a new study conducted by leading sleep pathologists, a lack of thorough slumber can actually lead to a significant increase in racial bias.  Of the 61 people observed in the study, a whopping 85% showed clear signs of not only sluggishness and irritability, but also overtly prejudicial attitudes toward minorities and foreign nationals.  

In a related story, it was revealed today that Bill O'Reilly of Fox News Channel has not slept a wink since 1972.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, May 27, 2015

In an obvious attempt to connect with younger voters, Democrats on Capitol Hill have taken to employing modern "text faces" in expressing their opposition's position on important social issues.  Just last Thursday, during a heated Senate debate on the renewal of Obamacare, Sen. Chris Murphy utilized a popular "kaomoji," commonly known as the Shruggie: ¯\_(ツ)_/¯, to exemplify the general right-wing consensus on affordable healthcare in America.  

Since then, other left-leaning politicians have followed suit, using trendy icons to illustrate their take on familiar Republican standpoints, as can be seen below:

Important ties between several former Soviet states and the European Union have suffered a major setback this week as the supposed "high pressure" sanctions imposed on an increasingly expansionist Russia have begun to wane in the face of greater regional backlash.  Many leaders of countries like Moldova, Georgia and the Ukraine have recently expressed deep disappointment with the EU's lack of follow-through, claiming that while hard-line rhetoric might effectively grab world-wide headlines, they have seen very little in terms of real-world results.  Some leaders have even threatened to boycott the upcoming Eastern Partnership summit at Riga, Latvia.  Even President Alexander Lukashenko of Belarus stated that while he was willing to attend the summit, he would not be going to the dancing-spree and ice cream social afterward.

Almost a week after the astonishing admission made by actress Kate Blanchet, revealing details on her occasional lesbian love trists, another well known red carpet icon, Ms. Tatum O'Neal, told Jezebel that she too has embarked on several lust-filled sapphic relationships.  Some media commentators believe that an increasing number of aging female entertainers are publicly revising their sexual identities in order to garner greater media attention, while others suggest that the shift is simply a byproduct of our modern times.  Whatever the circumstances, it appears that when it comes to the women of Hollywood, it's all about the meat-curtains.

A big-time real estate mogul in Larkspur, California, may be in hot water after state conservationist officials discovered that builders had covertly destroyed a rare indian burial ground in order to make way for multi-million dollar upscale housing project.  The cultural impact to the local Native American population has been devastating to say the least but, what most found particularly infuriating was the developer's cavalier attitude toward the whole issue.

"Ah, fuck it.  Just move the headstones. What's the worst that could happen?"

Yet another series of disturbing revelations have surfaced involving the ominous global surveillance effort currently being perpetrated by the U. S. National Security Agency.  According to documents release by the online news agency Intercept, the NSA, as part of a top secret program entitle "Irritant Horn," had planned to hijack popular "app" stores in order to embed spyware onto the personal devices of literally millions of unsuspecting users.  In response to heavy criticism, the NSA has claimed that the operation was an utter necessity in determining any possible terrorism related uses associated with popular digital "apps."

That was supposed to be the World Trade Center towers, but I was threatened 

with a moratorium on sexual intercourse, so...

Today in Headlines - Friday, May 22, 2015

The exhaustive search for missing Minnesota sorority sister Jennifer Houle has come to a tragic end this week after authorities discovered local surveillance footage that appeared to show the strange final moments of her life.  Investigators have concluded that Ms. Houle inexplicably leapt from the 10th Avenue bridge in downtown Minneapolis, taking a fatal plunge toward the torrential Mississippi River below.  Many, including Jennifer's parents, are still without a clear understanding as to why the incident even took place but, reportedly, all her friends were doing it.

Alabama school teacher Cindy Stephens has been suspended from school following her online commentary relating to the recent conviction of four area students who, as part of an elaborate senior prank, slurried an entire school parking lot with granulated chicken excrement.  Instructor Stephens took especial offense to the stunt, claiming she suffered a life-threatening allergy attack as a result.  On her Facebook page, Stephens posted a vulgar screed, indicating her wish for the boys to suffer sexual battery while incarcerated, stating: "My sincerest hope is that you become someone's bitch in jail."  Immediate reactions from students and administrators came out strongly against the post, with one reply stating: "My sincerest hope is that you work yourself into an early grave, receiving little pay and zero recognition."  

Travel agents are finding themselves hard-pressed to fill reservations for a certain chain of islands just recently made available to the tropical tourism industry.  As it turns out, many would-be travelers are especially weary of places that have, at one time or another, been home to filthy, decrepit lepers.  That's right, former leper islands are slowly being declared habitable and subsequently feeding much needed space into an increasingly strangulated market.  The lepers were reportedly all to happy to sell off their land, only asking in return that they receive plenty of leprosy tainted money and imported whores.  Leper whores, of course.

Josh Duggar, the confidence-driven older brother from TLC's 19 Kids and Counting, issued a formal public apology after being exposed as a vile pedophile freak who is believed to have abused several young girls over a ten year period, some of the girls among his own siblings. The devastating fallout from the scandal has cost the Duggar family their contract with TLC and has also resulted in Josh's removal from a prestigious position with the Family Research Council.  Luckily, for young Duggar, there is little indication that criminal charges will be filed against him now or at any time in the future.  Additionally, a local county judge has gone so far as to order that all investigative files be destroyed immediately.  Those most critical of how authorities have handled the Duggar family affair were left asking whether the American justice system is even moderately capable of prosecuting those of celebrity status.

Many young twitter users the world over have recently taken part in what is being called the "Charlie Charlie Challenge."  Like Bloody Mary and the Candy Man before him, Charlie is supposed to be a Mexican demon who, when properly summoned, can give alarmingly accurate responses to most "yes or no" questions.  In addition to rattling the entire global religious community, many other darkly beings have found their natural order disturbed by "Charlie's" sudden rise to fame.

"So, what? Am I just not relevant anymore? Is that it? I killed a fucking unicorn, dammit."

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, May 20, 2015

Counter-terrorism experts are somewhat befuddled over the extraordinarily odd selection of books and magazines seized from the Attatobad compound that once served as a safe-house to world famous terror broker Osama bin Laden.  Among the material cataloged by investigators were works covering subjects such as global economics, regional military history and strangely enough, video game strategy.  Several of these guides were found among bin Laden's most accessible tomes, this supposedly due to a deep interest in several modern warfare game titles, not to mention a few of the classics.  Here we clearly see the profound effect that Super Pitfall© had on the siege at Tora Bora:

Anthony Brutto began his journey through the world of higher education in 1936, pursuing a degree in engineering from the University of West Virginia.  As fate would have it, young Brutto would be sent to fight in the European theater at the onset of World War II, effectively putting his scholastic pursuits on hold.  Now, at the ripe old age of 94, the veteran and father has at last earned his long sought after diploma.  When asked what took so long, the graduate cited a series of setbacks which caused his life to derail time and again, perpetually putting off his academic career with no end in sight.  However, those close to Anthony say he had simply become fixed in campus life and naturally found it very hard to break away.

A stupid Floridian has made a total ass of himself this week after a misdirected fit of rage not only landed him with substantial auto-repair costs, but also a possible stint in the county jail.  After a heated argument over bad business dealings, Ryan T. Smith exited a former friend's residence to retrieve a steel crowbar from the trunk of his car.  Smith then proceeded to bash the frame and windows of a vehicle which happened to be parked outside the former friend's home.  Unfortunately, the vehicle belonged to a next-door neighbor who found himself angered and confused upon discovering the destructive scene.  The nature of the incident does, of course, beg the following question:  Does Walter imitate life, or does life imitate Walter?

In the glamorous high stakes world of professional poker, man has officially bested machine this week.  Competitors from around the country converged on Carnegie Mellon University in Pittsburgh to go head to head with their resident card shark "Claudicio," a highly sophisticated computer program capable of engaging up to four players at a time while calculating complex real-time stratagems to crush it's opponents.  Unfortunately, the artificial contender fell far short of developers' expectations, ultimately allowing the humans to obtain a cumulative lead of about $730,000 over just 3 days.  Technicians who commented after the match said that while the current results are disappointing, they will press on.  Early reports indicate the team is are already grooming a far more worthy challenger.

Massachusetts based radio station WRKO announced today that it will be dropping The Rush Limbaugh Show from its regular daytime lineup.  According to industry insiders, Limbaugh had become extremely bad for business, with many advertisers simply refusing to be associated with his name.  WRKO did not disclose where they plan to drop Limbaugh, but it is believed he will be unloaded somewhere over the Serengeti.

Today in Headlines - Monday, May 18, 2015

Television dancing favorite and political wack-job heiress Bristol Palin has unexpectedly terminated her plans to wed renowned serviceman Dakota Meyer.  Meyer, who is a Medal of Honor recipient, expressed dismay and surprise over the announcement, taking to social media, tweeting: 

"It all happened so fast.  This morning I got up and she had completely cut off my nuptials."

Since the press release, Bristol has been virtually inundated with requests to elaborate on her comments.  With rumor and innuendo having surrounded the couple for months as it is, many sources close to the Palins have attempted to fill the informational void with sporadic disclosures.  According to those insider reports, Bristol had uncovered a ghastly secret that she and her hubby-to-be simply could not reconcile -the fact that Dakota is, quite literally, made entirely of Silly Puddy.

With the NBA quarter finals now underway, Clippers' head coach Doc Rivers is under increased pressure to deliver an historic change-up for a franchise which victory has mockingly eluded for so long.  Over the past 45 years the Clippers have routinely failed to penetrate beyond the second-round playoffs but, with cautious optimism, many fans and sports journalists alike have ventured to suggest that this may be at long last the season of change.  While obviously confident, Rivers has been careful not to indulge, stating, 'I don't think we need to blow this thing up."

To which the Joker responded: "I wholeheartedly agree."

City officials in San Francisco say they have been forced to take serious legal action against a popular Haight-Ashbury area McDonald's restaurant after receiving literally hundreds of complaints involving the establishment since its opening just 6 months ago.  Many of the complaints allege that dirty, smelly hippies use the grounds as a location to "kick it" and "smoke bud."  Additionally, arrests in the area show a much higher rate for possession of drugs like LSD, ecstasy and marijuana.  Some critics have even gone so far as to blame the actual McDonald's menu for attracting the drug-addled crowd, in particular the recent addition of a Deluxe McShroom Burger. 

Film and tech enthusiasts were a-buzz yesterday upon the release of new on-set photos depicting stage and screen actor Michael Fassbender in his most recent role as celebrated inventor and developer Steve Jobs.  Jobs, whose prestigious career with Apple Inc., jettisoned him into nerdist super-stardom as, perhaps, one of the greatest minds of the past 100 years, tragically died in 2011 of complications resulting from resurgent pancreatic cancer.  He was 56 years old.  The much anticipated production entitled "Steve Jobs", features a smartly dressed Fassbender sporting the patent Steve Jobs turtleneck, a look which prompted many in the fashion world to speculate a possible rise in appealability for the constrictive garment.  Media reports indicate that aging actress Diane Keaton was particularly titillated by this news and had immediately dispatched her operatives to clean out all available stocks along the eastern seaboard.

72-year old Louisville resident Fred Habermel is reportedly suing local treatment facility Norton Medical amid claims that lab technicians lost a section of his brain.  Mr. Habermel recently underwent an experimental procedure during which neurosurgeons removed a portion of grey matter that was ultimately intended to be injected back into its proper place within his cranium.  Hospital administrators revealed today that their own internal investigation has uncovered significant signs of theft, prompting them to wonder aloud: "What would anyone possibly want with two brains?"

Today in Headlines - Friday, May 15, 2015

In a series of correspondences recently released by the U.K. Government, Sir Charles, Prince of Wales, pleaded with then Prime Minister Tony Blair to deal with the growing threat of tuberculosis in cattle by initiating an immediate culling of badgers across the British Isles.  In an apparent snub to the crown, Blair issued an indirect response via his foreign minister who iterated: 

"I am afraid...we are out...of badgers...would you accept...a wolverine...in it's place?"

Now for our lead story:  Amtrak officials in Philadelphia are scrambling to identify the cause of a horrifying derailment that left several dead and dozens wounded.  Sources say that the train was traveling nearly twice the speed permitted for the area, at times even reaching close to 100mph.

Massachusetts based toy manufacturer Schylling has finally caved to mounting pressure from consumer advocates by ordering a nationwide recall of their police model "Press & Go" toy automobile.  Spokesmen for Schylling expressed sympathy and explained that the company would do everything necessary to address public concerns about its product line.  The recall itself was said to be prompted by an apparent choking hazard.

Police in Jefferson Parish are in the national spotlight this week after detaining an eighth grader who allegedly threw a bag of skittles candies at a fellow classmate while riding a school-bus.  Advocates for the boy claim that actions taken by campus police were overzealous at the very least, and at worst driven by racial bias.  The incident raises grim recollections for those who still recall the strange involvement of skittles candies in the targeting of 17-year-old Florida teenager Trayvon Martin, who was tragically shot and killed by trigger-happy busybody George Zimmerman back in 2012.  Black community leaders are calling for manufacturer Mars, Inc., to apply a distinctive label upon the Skittles wrapper, clearly identifying potential risks posed to the African-American consumer base.

After nearly 4 years in state custody, three nuns, Sister Mandy, Sister Mary and Sister Megan, have finally flown the coop.  The self proclaimed "nuclear activists" were arrested in 2012 for penetrating a high-level storage facility in Oak Ridge, Tennessee, and were subsequently charged with violating the Sabotage Act of 1918.  Judges with the 6th circuit U.S. Court of Appeals voted 2-1 in favor of overturning all convictions but not before issuing a stern warning, instructing the trio, quote "don't make it a habit." 

Today in Headlines - Friday the 13th, 2015 Edition

Residents of Tampa, Florida, are officially freaked-the-fuck-out this week over what some are calling a "zombie" kitty that is said to have literally crawled its way out of the grave late last Wednesday night.  The feline in question, affectionately referred to by family as "Bart," was reportedly hit by an automobile, after which the grieving owners naturally decided to bury it.  To the astonishment of many, battered Bart has inexplicably resurfaced and is currently being cared for at the local Humane Society.  Some find the freak occurrence a tad unsettling, particularly one neighbor, a Mr. Jud Crandall, who simply stated "Sometimes...dead is better."

According to a new governmental accountability study, the TSA is intercepting an increasing number of guns at airports all over the country.  Researchers found the majority of armaments that are seized come from avid gun owners who simply forget to remove their firearms.  2014 set a record number for weapons seizures, a 22% increase from 2013.  Approximately 2% of that total owing to one passenger in particular, Frank Castle of New York, who was stopped with an astonishing 221 sidearms, assault rifles and hand-grenades. 

Founder of Microsoft, Bill Gates, has issued a dire warning to society about the dangers of developing advanced artificial intelligence systems, especially those with military applications.  The renowned programming wizard believes that AI technology could, if not properly checked, become capable enough to dominate mankind.  One such autonomous robot had this to say:

"You always knew it would come to this."

Transparency advocates with Wikileaks are up in arms this week after making the unsettling discovery that Google, despite giving repeated assurances to the contrary, had turned over troves of private subscriber data to the NSA under a series of secret warrants that were issued in the wake of the damning release of the Iraq and Afghan War Logs.  Addressing the issue, Google adamantly defended its actions, citing an online privacy statement and its little-known "Ex-Girlfriend" clause, which basically permits Google to, quote, "lie straight to your face, and then tell you about it 3-years later."

According to a recent survey published in Psychological Study magazine, researchers with the NYU School of Business have determined that ideological stances can have a tremendous impact on consumer preferences.  During the study, researchers found that especially conservative individuals tend to prefer Budweiser, whereas liberal minded people go for Heineken.  A revelation that prompted social libertarian and proto-hipster, Frank Booth, to exclaim:

"Heineken?  Fuck that shit! Pabst Blue Ribbon!"

Reports out of the Middle East this week tell of the ruthless beating of a destitute Syrian child by the manager of a Bahraini Burger King location.  Apparently, the boy was caught snacking on some discarded leftovers when he was dragged outside and flogged in the street.  Bahrain is widely known for its brutal oppression of the lower classes, often at the hands of wealthy emirs and monarchs who have simply run amok.

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, February 11, 2015

New details have emerged involving the recent uncovering of a small scale spying operation being conducted amidst New York City's bustling financial district.  According to FBI insiders, the data procurement scheme was being conducted by an incredibly careless troupe of Russian operatives who, apparently, did far too little to conceal their backstairs activities.  The group was said to have been so witless in their routine that the antics were described by investigators as, quote, "laughable."

Seizing upon the ongoing shaming of lying-ass NBC news anchor Brian Williams, inglorious cornbread pundit Glenn Beck declared that Williams' impropriety might have been driven by some internal desire to emulate competing CNN anchorperson, Anderson Cooper.  Some quickly called foul on Beck's criticisms, citing his recent obvious attempts to look as much like Drew Carey as possible.

A prominent member of the now defunct Mitt Romney 2016 exploratory committee, quoted on the condition of anonymity, claims that fellow Republican and New Jersey Governor, Chris Christie, had advised Romney that in order to run a successful presidential campaign, he would need "private jets and lavish spreads."  Christie, who is also considering a slow, chuggy, run for the White House in 2016, has reportedly wasted no time in procuring the necessary "accoutrements".

Reporters and visitors alike were stunned this past weekend when several dozen full-grown manatees swarmed the warm, shallow waters of the Three Sisters Springs in Citrus County, Florida.  Local Fish and Game wardens were said to be utterly befuddled, having been caught completely off guard by the sudden arrival of so many large, relatively sedentary mammals.  Though, inquiries with city officials would later clear up the matter, showing that an occupancy permit had been issued to the annual Sally Struthers "SallyCon," which was scheduled to take place that very weekend.  Get it?  They were a bunch of fat women, not manatees at all.

An appalling situation unfolded Monday when Child Protective Services discovered two 9-year-old brothers living alone in a squalid home located just outside rural Hillsborough, New Hampshire.  For nearly 120 days, the young boys fed, clothed, and cared for themselves with almost no assistance from the outside world.  The news of such blatant neglect came as a shock to many, even prompting fellow abandonment victim and fictional child film character, Kevin MaCallister, to exclaim:

"Oh, shit!"