Today in Headlines - Tuesday, July 29, 2014

Rolling coal, a brainless new fad among what are predominantly conservative diesel enthusiasts, is quickly gaining national notoriety as being both reckless and stupid. Members of groups like Cape Cod Coal Rollers, and Diesels of New England, illegally modify their pickup trucks to bypass pollution controls, thereby allowing them to expel a quick burst of unburned fuel in the form of thick black billowy smoke, often directed at unsuspecting drivers (specifically those in hybrid vehicles).  Legislators have been quick to act on the growing trend, passing new inspection standards meant to target those engaging in this environmentally unsound ploy for attention.  Though, others have taken matters into their own hands:

After seven seasons of gut wrenching motorcycle mama drama, the FX program "Sons of Anarchy" is finally coming to an end.  Fans of the show, who were utterly devastated at the news of the series' demise, were briefly elated today upon the announcement that the show's creator Kurt Sutter is in ongoing negotiations to begin production of a "prequel series," apparently tracking character Charlie Hunnam's earlier cycling exploits. 

It's that time of year again and the Juggalos are back in town.  For days the internet has been flooded with snapshots consisting of every conceivable act of debauchery known to civilized man.  These face painted freaks and weirdos come out in droves to sample the sweet nectar of horrorcore music and bitches on tap.  One notable figure amongst the sea of skullfaced degenerates is celebrated strip club owner Michael Busey, nephew of actor turned professional madman, Gary Busey.  Apparently, Buseys are considered holy figures among the Juggalos and are worshiped as such. 



Former Alaskan Governor, Sarah Palin has once again managed to grab headlines by starting up her very own online television channel called "PalinTV."  The premier program on the network will of course be a reality series centered around Palin and her plastic whitebread family.  In the series, Palin is said to have hunted and killed her own dinner, as seen in the promo below:

I guess she felt like having Elmo that night.

Some have suggested that Palin has set the bar rather low in terms of programming taste.  In fact, it seems that anyone willing to throw stones at gays or denounce liberals as godless baby killing commies can find a platform on PalinTV.  Making for a rather predictable television lineup.

Today in Headlines - Monday, July 28, 2014

The new Polaris "Slingshot" was unveiled today, much to the disappointment of automotive enthusiasts everywhere.  The oddly constructed three-wheeled conveyance, which is priced at roughly $20,000, attempts to offer the steering power of a sports car while possessing the maneuverability of a motorcycle.  But, despite a snazzy paint-job and two darkly erotic looking test drivers, the new model failed to live up to the hype of a next generation roadster, leaving onlookers to question whether the owner is part biker or part go-kart loving man-child.

Fox Television Network has announced that a Family Guy/Simpsons "crossover" episode will air late this September.  The stunning news was unveiled during a Family Guy panel discussion held at the 2014 Comic Con in San Diego, California.  The surprising move comes after an unsuccessful attempt to meld another popular set of Fox animated programs:

According to a recent audit conducted by the Pentagon, billions of dollars have been "blown" during the long and pointless occupation of Afghanistan by the U.S. armed forces.  Afghanistan, which ranks as one of the largest producers of heroin in the world, and has an obscenely high rate of addicts, seems like the kind of place in which one could lose track of things.  When auditors finally gained access to one dilapidated outpost, they found it was littered with dozens of little red balloons, cherry flavored antacids, and a copy of Leonard Cohen's "Songs from a Room,"  was still spinning on a solid state turntable recently stolen from a local library.



Today the people of Islam are marking the end of Ramadan with the annual celebrations of Eid.  While the usual circumstances of conflict inhibited some throughout the region, most have had a chance to mark the occasion with a well-known Arab pastime: Flooding the streets unshaven, yelling indiscriminately while moving randomly through town as an amorphous blob of people.










According to a new study conducted by the University of Edinburgh, prehistoric creatures, such as Dinosaurs, may have vanished as a result of "colossal bad luck."  Researchers cited the timing of the cataclysm, mixed with various environmental impacts that they say could have contributed to the Dinosaurs' ultimate demise.  The new findings are already being reflected in the newest literature on the subject:

It's also now being proposed that Woolly Mammoths actually died off as a result of waking up with tar stuck in their hair.

Today in Headlines - Friday, July 25, 2014

On Wednesday, hip-hop rap star Snoog Doggy Dogg admitted to late night's Jimmy Kimmel that he had, in fact, smoked marijuana at the White House.  The toking was said to have taken place during a Kennedy Center ceremony honoring performing artists.  This wouldn't be the first time a famous person has used mind altering substances at 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue.  Actor River Phoenix once shot up in the Lincoln bathroom, Oliver Stone ate some mushrooms he found in the White House rose garden, and former New York City Mayor Marion Barry smoked a rock of crack under the desk of the oval office.

Crossdressing multimillionaire/murder suspect Robert Durst has turned himself in to Dallas Police after reports surfaced that he urinated on a rack of candies located inside a local CVS pharmacy.  On an unrelated note, Clippers owner Donald Sterling was once again spotted taking a dump on his reputation.

A State Department spokesman said this week that the ISIS is no long just a terrorist group but has evolved into a "full-blown army."  In a related story, musician and Levi Strauss spokesman Ted Nugent is no longer just a douche-bag but, rather, has developed into a full-blown asshole.

Defense attorneys for Joseph Wood are requesting an independent investigation be opened into the botched execution of their client at the hands of the State of Arizona correctional system.  Wood lay gasping and twitching for nearly two hours before finally succumbing to the lethal cocktail administered, the contents of which are still unknown.  Senator John McCain quickly seized on the tragedy, declaring Wood's execution "torture," stating, "what does it say when an American execution takes two hours, and the North Koreans can shoot a man out of a cannon and into a mountain in less than 60 seconds.  That's just sad."

Tea Party affiliated Republican candidate Scott Esk has come under national scrutiny for advocating the public stoning of gay people here in the U.S.  An Oklahoma based journalist, Rob Morris, apparently uncovered the inflammatory statements from an online comment board on which the candidate remarks, "I think we would be totally in the right to do it...ignoring as a nation things that are worthy of death is very remiss."  In addition to cleansing our society of gays by killing them with rocks, Esk is also calling for migrant children to be fed to lions, non-christians to be impaled on Festivus poles, and environmentalists to be crucified on trees, and not crosses as was originally thought.  

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, July 23, 2014

A young Oklahoma girl has brought on worldwide condemnation for what many are calling an inappropriate "selfie" in which 20-year-old Beanna Mitchell can be seen smiling like a horny elf in front of the notorious Auschwitz concentration camp in Germany.  The photo had apparently gone "viral" about a month after it was posted by Mitchell, eventually stoking international outrage and ultimately prompting young Mitchell to respond to her critics by saying, "I'm famous yall!" (I'm not kidding that's exactly what she said).  But fame has quickly soured for Ms. Mitchell who began openly complaining about all the attention, which quickly turned hostile when the rest of her vacation photos became public:

Breanna's next trip will reportedly be to the West Bank.

Today an Indiana woman was charged with criminal recklessness after mowing down a motorcyclist under what appear to be especially bizarre circumstances.  25-year-old Prionda Hill claimed that the voice of God told her to release the wheel of her 2006 Pontiac Grand Prix allowing it to plow directly into one Anthony Oliveri, who sustained minor injuries.  

In a similar story, nationally reviled dingbat Sarah Palin has announced that God himself had instructed her to call for President Obama's immediate impeachment, abruptly slamming what's left of her reputation into reality.

A new poll found that 83% of Americans would prefer being hit by a car over listening to anymore of Palin's incessant chickenhawking.  

Singer Lana Del Rey has struck quite a chord with a new single from her forthcoming album entitled "Ultraviolence."  The song "Fucked My Way to the Top," according to Del Rey, chronicles her failed attempts to use sex as an easy conveyance to instant success in the music business.  While many of these exploits entail hot rendezvous with young industry execs, others were just plain hard work:

According to documents recently filed in divorce court, lone gunman George Zimmerman is flat-broke and hopelessly unemployed.  The negative stigma that attached itself to Zimmerman following his murder trial has apparently been too much for his livelihood and, despite receiving hundreds of thousands of dollars from supporters across the country and successfully selling his ridiculous paintings on ebay, the former neighborhood watch captain just can't seem to bring home the bacon.  While interviewing at a local employment agency, Zimmerman noted his most satisfying work was shooting at unarmed black people, after which he was immediately referred to join a Central Florida Police Department.  Zimmerman reportedly fit right in.

Today in Headlines - Monday, July 21, 2014

Four New York City EMT's have been suspended without pay following the gruesome killing of Eric Garner at the senseless hands of the NYPD. Witnesses claim the medical response team did absolutely nothing to assist the 43-year-old father of six as he lay dying on the city street. Pending further investigation, all four medics are to be placed on desk leave and will only be allowed to perform emergency medical services on jammed staplers, bent paperclips, and clogged pencil sharpeners.  

The 9th District Court of Appeals has ruled that the State of Arizona must divulge information on drugs being used to carry out it's executions.  The case has come amid several "botched" executions involving the substance known as Midazolam, a drug not unlike Valium.  When asked to comply with the new order a State Attorneys Office spokesman said they were at a loss, in fact they knew little about the source of the drugs, stating "as long as we told him it was to kill Humperdinck, he gave us all the drugs we wanted."

A Tennessee woman, described by witnesses as "crazed," crashed into a local church and allegedly stabbed her husband, accusing him of "worshiping" NASCAR.  In a similar story, an out of control racecar has crashed into a Jiffylube and stabbed an onsite mechanic for worshiping Jesus.

The cable television network FX has announced that it's hit program "Fargo" will return for a second season in the fall of 2015.  Industry insiders say the decision was brought on by heavy demand from viewers who can't seem to get enough of the show's suspenseful drama and horrific crime scenes.  The sharp increase in popularity has drawn some of Hollywood's biggest names into joining the grim ensemble.  Slated to play the woodchipper is actor Willem Dafoe.










The U.S. is renewing calls to cut all foreign aid to Afghanistan should the country fail to resolve it's ongoing election crisis.  One Pentagon official threatened, "who else will you get to rig your elections for you."

It was revealed today that attack ads targeting far-right conservative candidates, particularly those aligned with the Tea Party, were, in fact, paid for by Senate Republicans such as Mitch McConnell, John Cornyn,  Rob Portman, Bob Corker and Roy Blunt.  Through groups like All Citizens for Mississippi, and the RNC's Growth and Opportunity Project, political attack ads were launched against Tea Party contenders, often painting them as vicious racists.

In a related story the Pot has reportedly called the Kettle "black".

Today in Headlines - Friday, July 18, 2014

This week failed talk-show host turned online attention whore, Bethanny Frankle, came under fire after posing in what appeared to be her 4-year-old daughter's nightgown and pajama bottoms.  Human leeches from all over the celebrity media crap-o-sphere quickly suckled onto the event, viciously chastising Frankle for promoting a negative body-image to young girls the world over.  Frankle continued the supposed "instagram controversy" by posting a photo of herself crudely dressed as Travon Martin.

Salt Lake City resident Christopher Wallace has apparently committed suicide by jumping into a massive bonfire that was lit during an outdoor cultural event held in the great State of Utah last weekend.  Startled onlookers described Wallace as "determined" to cross the protective barriers and enter the roaring blaze set before them. One patron complained, "Hey, if I wanted to see Burning Man, I'd go to Nevada, man."


A 24-year-old idiot named Claire Leeson has wasted upwards of $30,000 to recreate herself in the image of reality star Kim Kardashian.  The procedures required to achieve her unnatural appearance included a boob job, teeth whitening, and the removal of her frontal lobe.  


In a similar story, well known shit-talker Joan Rivers has spent untold thousands trying to perfect an uncanny resemblance to DC comics' Joker.

Governor Chris Christie is back in the news today.  The walking political embarrassment is apparently considering New Jersey's place in the current immigration crisis and claims the State would be willing to accept those seeking citizenship on a case by case basis.  Christie stated, "we are an empathetic people in this country and we don't like seeing people suffer...unless you're trapped sitting in a sweltering traffic jam visible from my office window."

In addition to becoming "jersey kids," migrants can also choose to acculturate as valley girls, southern hicks, or New England douche bags.

Lastly, in what seems to be an incredibly disturbing series of events a 43-year-old father of six has died while in the vile clutches of the New York City Police Department.  The purported "gentle giant" known as Eric Garner was placed in an unnecessary choke-hold by police officer Daniel Pantaleo -a grubby whitebread prick with a shameful history of false arrests and excessive force against African American citizens.  

Police Chief William Bratton was quick to dismiss the idea that Garner was viciously strangled to death by his officers, instead issuing claims that the man died as the result of a heart attack while in police custody -alluding to the victim's excessive weight and poor health as the primary cause.  In accordance with this position, the New York City Policeman's Union is initiating a public awareness campaign to encourage U.S. citizens to stay in shape, lest they run afoul of the violently insane police officers currently patrolling our city streets.

Today in Headlines - Thursday, July 17, 2014

A Dallas woman by the name of Darlena Cunha was recently chastised in the nation's news media for picking up her food stamps in a 2003 Mercedes Kompressor, the high-class automobile with a ridiculous sounding name.  After much uproar, local officials are calling for Cunha to trade in the Mercedes for something a little more appropriate.  She will receive this dilapidated 1974 Pinto, as seen below: 

A Vegas nightclub is facing backlash over guidlines it has allegedly imposed on female patrons attempting to hold their bachelorette party at it's luxurious establishment.  An organizer for the club had apparently told the women that they would refuse admission to, as they put it, "whales and hippos."  Also on the black-list were dogs, cows and tuna.  The bachelorettes eventually changed their minds when they realized they didn't want to do business with Jackasses. 

Bing.com is now prepping it's software to comply with Europe's new "right to be forgotten" law.  Unfortunately most people have already forgotten about Bing.

New York City beachgoers were furious when they witnessed what's being called a pro-swastika banner flying over the sands of their beloved east-coast shores.  The contempt quickly escalated when other symbols synonymous with fascist tendencies came rippling across the sky.

Actor Jeff Goldblum, aged 61, is now officially engaged to his 31-year-old fetus, uh, I mean girlfriend.  A move that has apparently encouraged several other aging and decrepit actors to get it while the getting is good.  Harrison Ford, 71, is reportedly nailing the Olsen Twins.  Liam Neeson, who is now 62, has entered into an arranged marriage with defunct Nickelodeon star, Jennifer McCurdy, and the reanimated corpse of James Garner is slated to date the unborn child of Dakota Fanning.

Also in entertainment, actor Charlie Sheen, best known for his role as that crazy drugged out weirdo on television, has haplessly wandered back into the spotlight yet again.  This time it's over a late night run to a local Taco Bell in what was said to have been an incredibly inebriated state.  Sheen was fervently demanding "Doritos Locos," whilst shoving dozens of packets of Taco Bell's patented Extreme Hot Sauce into his pants pockets. Attendees of the fast food establishment were reportedly "cool" with Sheen's drunken behavior, but things took a turn for the worse when Sheen tried to order a, quote, "large cocaine."

Today in Headlines - Tuesday, July 15, 2014

Well, it finally happened.  Today, Marvel Comics' series writer Jason Aaron announced that Thor, the once mighty god of thunder, will now be portrayed as a tall, blonde, amazonian goddess.  The move comes along with a steady stream of alterations throughout the extensive Marvel Universe.  For example, Wolverine's claws will now be press-on nails, Tony Stark's mustache is now out of the closet, and Professor X is apparently gay soccer buddies with Magneto:

Comcast is in a heap of trouble this week after a clever customer recorded an obscene exchange between himself and an unruly, not to mention openly hostile Comcast service rep.  It turns out the rep in question was none other than Triumph the Insult Comic Dog.

When asked for his side of the story, Triumph responded "I thought the call went very well, it was great, it was great....for me to poop on!"

Also in entertainment, Saturday Night Live is licking it's rancid wounds this evening following the abrupt departure of no less than three of it's main cast members.  When reached for comment one former cast member explained that the move was merely a positive career choice, stating, "We didn't want to end up like John Belushi, Chris Farley, Phil Hartman, Gilda Radner, Charles Rocket, Michael O'Donoghue, Danitra Vance, or Garrett Morris." "Wait, dude, Garrett Morris isn't dead,"  "He might as well be dude, he might as well be."

The State of California is set to begin issuing steep fines on residents found to be wasting water during it's heavy drought season.  In addition to the new fines, the State will also be imposing a 18¢ tax on bubble blowing, and licenses will be required for those carrying Supersoakers.  Supersoaker rights activists opposed the measure stating that it deprives them of their constitutional right to spray their friends in the back of the head and then run around the other side of the house.

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa is facing backlash over his longtime ownership of a dilapidated home located in sunny Moreno Valley, California.  Neighbors have complained for years about the awful state of the property, but it wasn't until they found out who the prestigious owner happened to be that the matter received any attention.  Villaraigosa has since sold the property, hoping to avoid any further political fallout.  Unfortunately, local residents were not appeased, in fact they were all the more enraged upon meeting the newest addition to their block:

Today in Headlines - Monday, July 14, 2014

Amoebas have eaten the eyeballs of a 23-year-old Taiwanese undergraduate named Lian Kao.  Apparently Ms. Kao had not changed her contact lenses in over 6-months, creating a perfect breeding ground for bacteria munching amoebas to root deeply into her corneas and ultimately robbing her of her sight.  

In addition to her poor optical hygiene, Ms. Kao had reportedly gone without changing her undergarments for over a year.  Allowing a colony of pubic crabs to really, quote, "dig in."

Former prisoner of war Bowe Bergdahl has been discharged from a military rehabilitation facility in Texas and is set to return to active duty just six-weeks after being released from captivity with the Taliban.  When told he would be staying in Texas to carry out his duties, Bergdahl promptly wandered off base and joined the nearest Mexican Cartel.  

The incomparable Christopher Walken will play Captain James Hook in NBC's live production of "Peter Pan," to be aired this December.  Chairman Bob Greenblatt, who placed Walken at the helm of the famous Jolly Roger, said the actor is in rare form, stating, "he's already pushed five women overboard."

Singer, Songwriter, and former Beatle, Paul McCartney was spotted early Sunday night hanging out with business magnate Warren Buffet outside a popular frozen yogurt eatery in downtown Dundee, located in Omaha, Nebraska.  The pair were apparently caught in an impromptu selfie taken by former Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe.

An "unofficial" teaser for the much anticipated fourth season of the FX hit program "American Horror Story" was released to an eager public today. The meager glimpse was more than enough to kick up a whirlwind of speculation as to what the new installment, entitled "Freak Show," may have in store for viewing audiences.  Keeping with the freak show motif, creators Ryan Murphy and Brad Falchuk are acquiring actual sideshow folk in order to really permeate the strange and the sad into their new production.    

The 2012 Republican Primary Candidates

In legal news this week, a district court judge determined that Guantanamo Bay prisoners are not "persons" entitled to religious protections under current U.S. laws.  Defense for the prisoners argued that if corporations can achieve "personhood," and receive protections like those granted in the recent "Hobby Lobby" ruling, then so should Gitmo Detainees.  The case has already raised important questions about the federal government's right to grant or deny personhood as it sees fit.  Those up next to receive such legal distinctions include:

The Hague, Max Headroom, and Donald Trump's hairpiece.

Today in Headlines - Friday, July 11, 2014

The Justice Department is opening an investigation into the now famous Norfolk parade float depicting what appears to be President Obama standing in front of an outhouse marked "Obama Presidential Library."  While the Nebraska man who created the float insists he is not a racist, many are still skeptical of his intent.  When asked how the President was taking the news, one aide told us, "he's a bit down in the dumps."  

This of course wouldn't be the first time a President has been openly mocked in a public parade. Who could forget the memorable "Bush Vomits on Japanese Prime Minister Kiichi Miyazawa" parade float of 1992.

Israeli officials have openly accused Hamas of committing nuclear terrorism on the grounds that 3 rockets launched from the Gaza strip were directed toward a nuclear power facility in Southern Israel.  After the strike, Israel called an immediate "time-out," stating, "we called no nukesies!"


On a lighter note, a 7-year-old Canadian boy has raised over $50,000 to pay for a close friend's much needed surgery, all by selling lemonade from his own lemonade stand.  In a related story a 9-year-old Mexican boy from Van Nuys, California has raised over $250,000 to have Sarah Palin's mouth sewn shut.











Again from Israel today, Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu stated he felt no international pressure to quit the air campaign against the Palestinian people.  He immediately went on to say that he also could not feel his feet, his hands or his entire lower body.  It was at that point in the interview that the Prime Minister realized his body had been incinerated by a rocket barrage and that the reporter he was speaking to was actually a human foot.

A couple of Kayakers from Kentucky claim they discovered a 112-year-old ghost-ship while traveling up the Ohio river.  They were positive it was a ghost ship because they clearly saw the ghosts swabbing the deck and singing crude sea shanties about their undead nautical adventures on-board.

Following the uproar over would-be model Kendall Jones' gross online cache of photos depicting herself alongside several trophy animal kills, many of which were classified as endangered, another big name has surfaced in connection with these despicable practices.  Director Steven Spielberg was reportedly photographed aside a massive 12-ton triceratops that he ruthlessly killed with a slingshot just moments before.  Sources close to Spielberg say that the director wasn't satisfied in just hunting endangered animals.  Apparently, Spielberg required prey that was already extinct. 

Like Jones, who has seen her modeling contract revoked and her online reputation destroyed, Spielberg is quickly being shunned throughout the entertainment community, having already been removed from his post as chairman of the Hollywood Association of Scraggly Looking Directors.

Today in Headlines - Thursday, July 10, 2014

The Border Crisis is definitely in the spotlight this week, with many asking:  What pushes those thousands from across Latin America to risk their lives for even a remote chance to come and thrive in the supposed land of opportunity?  Experts seem to agree that gang violence is the most prominent factor driving the mass migration.  In response to this, U.S. Special Forces is deploying a unique team specially trained in dealing with the ruthless outlaws of the region.

And in politics, a sad and lonely John McCain made a complete ass of himself on C-Span television this week.  Luckily, as usual, no one was watching.  

The gaff occurred while Senator McCain attempted to "grill" two witnesses who were called before the Senate Committee to testify on key immigration issues.  One Thomas Winkowski, head of Immigration and Customs Enforcement, and a Mr. Gil Kerlikowske, head of U.S. Customs and Border Protection, were utterly flabbergasted by the Senator's unruly behavior as he ranted on about photographing caged children for political exploitation.  The crescendo of this senior moment of buffoonery came when McCain realized he had no idea who the hell he was talking to.  Angry and confused, McCain descended into a babbling mess, continuously addressing both witnesses as, quote, the "Little Lebowski."

McCain: "Am I to understand, that the Chinaman peed on your rug, and that the rug in question had in fact, as you put it, 'really tied the room together'?"








North Carolina Senator Gil John Biggs quickly interjected, "Dude, Chinaman is not the preferred nomenclature.  Asian American, please."







Appearing tomorrow before the Senate Homeland Security Committee will be NFL columnist Adrian Wojnarowski, and Bill Swerski of the Superfans. We'll see how that goes.

Here, former Speaker of the House, Nancy Pelosi can be seen trying to use the "force" to raise the President's approval rating.

The Emmy's are back in town and actress Uzo Aduba is up for a nomination to receive the prestigious award.  Uzo plays Suzanne "Crazy Eyes" Warren on the much loved Netflix series "Orange is the New Black."  When asked what she might do with the award if she won, Uzo said "well, gold is my favorite color, so I think I'll turn it into a shiv."

Also in entertainment news, Joan Rivers is addressing rumors surrounding her walkout during an appearance on CNN's Newsroom with Fredricka Whitfield.  Rivers described the interview as an interrogation and said she was eventually forced to leave the set.  Luckily for Whitfield, portions of Rivers had fallen off during the interview and were willing to continue answering questions.  

Today in Headlines - Wednesday, July 9, 2014

Today a district court judge upheld the FBI's controversial policy of classifying Juggalos -a term commonly used to describe fans of the musical group the Insane Clown Posse- as members of "a loosely organized hybrid gang."  Those slated next for such legal distinctions include:  Deadheads, Beliebers, and all 50,000 members of the Wu Tang Clan.

An untouched vocal track featuring once popular recording artist Brittany Spears was leaked to the public today.  For the first time music fans were able to hear Spears without the treatment of auto-tuning -a technique that has unfortunately become all too common in today's music industry.  First reactions to the recording were muddled since most listeners could not tell whether they were listening to a cat being strangled or simply hearing the new musical stylings of Yoko Ono.

In Colorado today, while frequenting a local nightspot, President Barack Obama was offered a "hit" off of one patron's herbal budd smoke.  The President was apparently amused but declined the "hit".  As one source claims the Chief turned down the puff because it was, quote, "some dry-ass homegrown sour diesel."  I guess when offering a phat bowl to a sitting President, you might want to break out the chronic shit.

In similar news, it was recently reported that marijuana dispensaries in Berkeley were initiating a free pot giveaway. Although, these claims later turned out to be false, apparently they just forgot to charge people.

From the Middle East, the U.S Government is now openly backing the Israeli air-assault on Gaza that came in response to a bombardment of rockets launched by Hamas from the West Bank.  Some have complained that the Israeli's are trying to fight a conventional war in an unconventional war-zone, leaving thousands of innocent civilians trapped in the crossfire.  The U.S. rebuked such claims, stating, "Our belief is that if you're going to fight a war, it should be primarily fought against civilian populations who have no adequate way of defending themselves, and above all else, it should only be done for the further conquest of land.  Just ask the Native Americans."

Spectators in the international community are complaining that the ongoing conflict between Israel and Palestine is growing stale and repetitive -much like the acting of Kristen Stewart- prompting the IDF to draft more enticing figures into their ranks.  Starting tomorrow, actors Jack Black, Ben Stiller and black-faced Robert Downey Jr. will lead a frontal assault on the West Bank.

The Palestinians are reportedly trying to sign living legend Elton John, stating, "we could use a good rocket man around here."

Today in Headlines - Tuesday, July 8, 2014

A total of five Garth Brooks comeback shows that were set to take place in Ireland have been officially canceled this week. The move comes amid fears that Mr. Brooks might instigate an actual comeback. Aiken Promotions, the company handling the events, issued an apologetic statement saying, "we regret our reckless endangerment of the entire civilized world."

Warnings of the possible fallout from a Brooks Comeback Event came from bad ass mathematician Dr. Ian Malcolm who stated,
"Garth...will find a way."

Former Alaskan Governor and Wasilla Meth Queen, Sarah Palin is calling for President Obama's impeachment over the U.S. Southern Border crisis. Quoting from the new American conservative edition of Dr. Seuss's "Green Eggs and Ham, she reads "Oh I would let them make my blouse, but I would not, could not, let them in my house.  I do not like these Mexicans, I do not like that Will-I-Am."

The fish are on the move again in Southern California this week, for the annual "running" of the grunion.  Every year this marine folklore comes to life in a magnificent display of slimy, beady eyed, mass breeding we've all come to know and love.  In a show of solidarity, English singer and songwriter Jessie J came out to slip around for a while in the massive seaside orgy.

Los Angeles Police have announced that they will no longer be detaining anyone based solely upon their immigration status.  The move has angered the now famous Murrieta protest group known nationally for blocking an ICE transport vehicle while en route to a local detainment facility. Apparently many members of the Murrieta group are now heading to Los Angeles to confront the issue, prompting anti-immigration activists in Los Angeles to oppose the move, stating, "they'll take our jobs!"

And finally, North Korea has fired two projectile weapons directly into the ocean.  Apparently, North Korean leader Kim Jong-un has declared that the people of the sea are all "lazy capitalist dogs"

Today in Headlines - Monday, July 7, 2014

Terminally lacking both charisma and credibility, former Vice President Dick Cheney has wormed his way back into American politics by creating a new social welfare group called the Alliance for a Strong America.  Along with his wife Liz, the pair intend to "reverse" the ghastly effects of President Obama's foreign policy (which ironically got him elected in the first place and ushered in a new era of Democratic autonomy in Washington) and, apparently they'll be doing it as the spokescouple for Depend's Undergarments.

Some have raised concerns over the legitimacy of groups like the Alliance for a Strong America, claiming their real purpose is to serve as a mere shell corporation and as such, a conduit for "Dark Money" to pass unchecked into the coffers of the nation's political contenders.  As one analyst put it, the more patriotic a title appears, the darker it's purpose tends to be.  As can be seen in the diagram below:

The Home Depot is moving in on the smarthome device market this week, opening up a whole new line of products to the techno savvy homemaker. In a related story, the Home Depot will also be adding a "top secret" aisle to all their superstore locations.  The aisle will be available exclusively to National Security Agency employees who can purchase packets of private data harvested from customers who bought devices from Home Depot's new line of smarthome products.

Julian Assange, the elusive co-founder of Wikileaks, has granted DemocracyNow!'s Amy Goodman a one-on-one interview from inside the Ecuadorean Embassy where Assange has held residency for the past two years.  When asked how he's been passing the time, Assange commented, "All there is to do is masturbate and play Centipede.  It really reminds me of my youth in Queensland."

The rift between Washington and Berlin grew just a little wider today, After months of growing tensions over NSA spying, and after canceling major contracts with Verizon as a result, German Chancellor Angela Merkel is lamenting over what she calls "serious" violations of the No-Spy Agreement held between Germany and the U.S. since 1945.  The last straw apparently broke the camel's back upon the discovery of an embedded U.S. "double agent" supplying top secret information to U.S. intelligence services over the past two years.

The head Chief of the Lakota Nation, a still very active band of Native Americans, had this to say, "So you signed an agreement with the United States Government, and they didn't fulfill their end of the bargain? What the fuck did you expect?"

The Germans are supposedly instituting new security measures in order to weed out any additional double agents, one Sergeant Hans Georg Schultz insisted he played no part, declaring, quote "I know NOTHING!"